dreamsofwings | open post;

It's strange.

Of course he had briefly considered the possibility that, in trusting the serum to Levi, he would end up the recipient. As a matter of convenience or resources available during any given situation, it seemed just as likely that he wouldn't. He hadn't given it much thought since then, as there was no point in ruminating on something so unpredictable.

By the same token, Erwin never had any delusions regarding his chances of survival for the mission to Shiganshina - he had only hoped to live long enough to learn the secrets locked away. His final gamble, unwilling to simply wait and hope for favorable results, this one, vital thing he could not be absent for the moment of revelation. For the full validation of everything he believed, the redemption of his father - he needed to see it in that critical, historic moment.

He had awoken instead from a visceral nightmare atop the wall reclaimed, his right arm regenerated and a profound sense of change - not only within himself, but in all the others, as though the world itself had shifted.

And indeed, it had.

It's been a week since then. A week since the truth of the world revealed to him. A week of this new reality to soak its way into every corner of his mind, every inch of his being. Already he has read the journals a dozen times, written pages of notes, his body revitalized and whole once again, almost completely unaware of the way the others glance at him in worry and concern to see his full, obsessive focus on full display for all.

Erwin hasn't forgotten them. The devastating loss weighs heavily on them all, the silence of the too-empty halls eerie and solemn like a tomb. They make time for their memorial ceremony, their small number gathered around a fire for the long minutes that it takes him to recite the names of the fallen, each carefully formed on his lips. There is only the slightest fraction of a longer pause in the wake of Armin Arlert.

But especially after being reduced to a drastic few, there is much work to be done and little time for grief. Their understanding of the world may have shifted irreversibly, but that part still hasn't changed. There are reports to write, recruitment efforts to begin, strategies to prepare. Since his own change, his body seems to tire less easily, causing Levi to chase him to bed almost every night, though it does little to shake his restless energy. There hasn't been time to try a second transformation on his own.

Secretly, he is hesitant.

That afternoon, he finds Eren himself - with only a handful of them left, Erwin especially feels that he should try to keep them all close together as possible. They will need one another in the coming weeks more than ever before, and the turmoil that's followed as a consequence of the choice made on the rooftop is unlikely to disperse on its own. But more importantly, it has been far too long since Erwin has had the opportunity to sit with him personally.

He invites Eren to walk with him to the horse paddock, hoping that the fresh air and open sky will be a more relaxed setting than the enclosed and formal setting of his office. The absence extends here too, but maybe it is a little less noticeable than long stretches of empty hallways. Erwin sets an unhurried pace along the path.

"I apologize, Eren. We have counted on you a great deal in these past several months, but I haven't given you much of my time." There has been much going on, and he entrusted Eren's care to Levi, but even so, it felt an oversight.

Erwin looks over at him then, giving him a measured gaze as he tries to gauge his mood. Is Eren angry with him? Resentful? Erwin wouldn't blame him, regardless.

"I'd like to thank you again for all of your efforts. None of this would have been possible without you, and we...no, I, have put you through a great deal of hardship to make it happen. You will always have my gratitude, for helping us reach this point."

He pauses then, letting the sentiment settle before continuing.

"How are you feeling?"

Originally, Eren couldn't decide who to resent. Erwin, for living. Levi, for refusing to listen to the choice Eren wanted him to make. Armin, for fucking dying on him. Himself, for not realising. Reiner and Bertolt — well, fine, he does resent them, and that Beast titan, and Annie, and all of Marley, the "country" (whatever that is) across the sea that wants to kill them all.

Maybe all of the above. There's enough room inside Eren's heart to resent the entire world.

And then he'd had the veil lifted. Something sparked by Historia, the truth of the world and its (lack of) future.

It could never have been Armin. He wasn't there in the bizarre twisted mess of memory, the end of the war they hadn't known they were fighting, the end of the world itself. It was always Erwin.

Years from now, Eren will look through years and memory and tell his younger self to save Armin. If he could save Armin, maybe the future would somehow change. Maybe there would be another path. Maybe someone would have another answer.

There are so, so many things he still can't see. But he knows with a certainty that makes him sick that it has to be Erwin.

Maybe this is the last catalyst, the thing that breaks him. He couldn't save his mom. He couldn't save his best friend. He couldn't save Levi's squad.

He won't lose the rest of them, not now. If every other living thing on this nightmare planet has to die so they can live, then that's just how it has to be. He'll take Reiner's advice and keep moving forward no matter what. He'll take Levi's advice and rely on his own power.

He's surprised by Erwin's invitation. It could be an order, he guesses, but it doesn't feel like one. Anyway, they're all fooling themselves now if they think Eren will ever blindly follow orders again.

They walk a little.

Eren shrugs.

"I'm just a soldier," he says, "and you're the commander. I don’t expect you to come talk to me personally most of the time."

Eren is nothing if not unfair.

Erwin's gratitude and the people inside the walls' wrath and a hole in his heart, a chasm that has only grown since the day his mother died. Is that what he has?

He shrugs again, showing the lingering bits of moody teenager still left in him in these months — years? weeks? — before he crushes them into bland aloofness.

"I don’t know," he says. "I wanted to save humanity. But humanity...doesn't really deserve it. There's a world out there that wants to watch us all die. How am I supposed to feel?"

That's largely rhetorical. Two weeks ago he wouldn't have mouthed off even this much to Erwin. Then the whole world got turned on its head and who the hell cares about hierarchy and the chain of command?

Eren — and Erwin, now — faces a death sentence they cannot escape. People like them all die in thirteen years. What do you do with that?

If you're Eren, you begin to self-destruct.

"Are we gonna fight them?" he asks, changing the subject.

"You have been a critical part of our missions since the day you joined us, Eren. I would be remiss to not at least acknowledge your efforts and hardships directly to you." Erwin flexes his right hand at his side.

"Especially now."

Now that he has some idea of how it must feel to carry such a power within. There are still many factors that separate them, of course - experience, age, outlook - that Erwin would never claim to understand what all of this has been like for Eren. They've put an immense amount of pressure on him because of his abilities, which have made him an object around which constant conflict has orbited ever since. Erwin has done everything in his power, including deposing a false king, to be able to utilize those abilities for himself. For Humanity, he'd always said, and while it hadn't been an outright lie, it also hadn't been the full truth.

Now he has the truth, and it's staggering.

Humanity doesn't really deserve it, Eren says, and Erwin turns the words over in his mind. Humanity isn't in danger; it never was. He had, of course, considered the possibility that that was true. If his father's guess proved correct, which Erwin had long ago adopted as the most likely truth, then it was a likely scenario that inside these walls was not the last bastion of the human race. But making the suggestion would always have been detrimental to his more immediate goals.

In the short term, little has changed. Erwin has already begun formulating plans to survey the rest of the island (ironic, really, that had they been able to wipe out the titans and make the territory beyond the walls safe, they would only have come up against another, even more significant barrier). Eliminating the remaining titans and finding Marley's access point was the top priority, but there was already still so much out there to explore in their immediate vicinity. New resources to find, new landscapes to see. The thoughts are intoxicating.

But it's clear that Eren's focus is further afield, narrower. Humanity doesn't need to be saved, so the question of whether it deserves it isn't important, as far as Erwin is concerned. However, the people they've always fought their battles for are still under threat, and one that is unlikely to ignore them forever, after all of the efforts they've already made.

"I would say whatever you currently feel is what you are 'supposed' to feel, and that I am the last person who should dictate what anyone's emotions should be."

Perhaps it is a little more open than he might have been with any of his soldiers outside the closest circle once, but with so few of them left, and especially in this moment with Eren, it feels like the best approach.

They approach the gate of the paddock. Most of the horses are far flung, grazing leisurely without any knowledge of what has become of the rest of their herd, or of the dangers beyond the walls and beyond the sea.

To Eren's question, Erwin nods, unsurprised. "Yes. Humanity itself may not be in danger, but the people of this island are, and it is their futures we must defend."

His gaze travels back to the young man. "And now especially that we have the truth and two formidable titans at our disposal, I don't imagine that Marley will leave us be."

Eren had never thought there would be people outside the wall (he might have made sure he never thought this, but who knows; there's a lot he took from his younger self that Eren right now is still unaware of). The way he thought before now was so…simple, or it seems it now. Kill the titans. Save humanity. Go see if the ocean is real.

They haven't reached it just yet, but the ocean is sure to be real. He knows. He's seen it, even if the others haven't yet. And across that ocean is the rest of the world, full of millions of people, most of whom have been taught to hate the inhabitants of Paradis for the unforgivable sin of their bloodline.

They're not the only ones who can hate.

Nothing on the island seems interesting now that there's a world beyond it. Does the outside seem interesting? Maybe. But it also seems like a trap, something that will ensnare them at every turn.

He turns it over in his mind. What happens if he tells Erwin the future? Is he meant to do that? Is he not? Erwin won't sentence him to death, he thinks, at least not right away. It's not like the Commander is free of thoughts of violence, but he doesn't know him as a person well enough to know how far he'd be willing to take it.

Maybe just parts of it, slowly. There will be a line, he thinks, that Erwin won't cross. He has to figure out where it is and stay behind it, or pretend to, or…

Fuck, this is a mess. He wishes again that Armin was here to sort it out. He's not smart like Armin is. He's just angry and desperate, like he's always been, though he feels less helpless than he once did.

He rests a hand on the gate but doesn't open it yet.

"Technically don’t we have three?" He asks. "When we can figure out how to use the Founder, we have three." Not if but when.

He shakes his head. His jaw tightens a little, his hand clenched on the gate.

"They won't. They're going to come back. They won't stop until we're all dead, or…"

Deep breath, Eren.

"Or they all are."

He doesn't dare to look sideways at Erwin, but it's a start.

"Yes, three are in our possession." Erwin doesn't refute that they will unlock the power of the Founder. It's something he thinks about constantly, given that it is likely still Marley's goal to retrieve it somehow. "But in terms of physicality, we are working with two."

There's no way to know how quickly they may face retaliation for this latest victory. They will likely have escaped back to Marley, to regroup and strategize. How often did boats come, he wonders? Was there a pre-arranged rendezvous interval? How long did it take them to make the trip from the nearest point? Without any ideas or hints about these answers, it's difficult to know how soon to expect another attack - which is why finding the touchpoint on the island as quickly as possible is his top priority.

Erwin hasn't shifted his focus from Eren, silently taking in the details of his posture, the tension tight in his arm as he grips the gate. For a moment, Erwin thinks of himself at fifteen, wonders if he wouldn't have completely shattered under the weight of such power and expectations. Naturally, he'd like to think not. But if enough people had tried to steer him toward a different goal, who's to say he wouldn't have gone off on his own? Levi and Mikasa notwithstanding, it's still remarkable that Eren has been as compliant as he has been, thus far. Luckily their goals have aligned.

But that could change.

"I would like to avoid either scenario, if possible." It's perhaps a diplomatic answer, but Erwin notably doesn't refute it outright. Although that may have more to do with the fact that eradicating an entire group of people that likely far outnumber the whole population of their island is an unfeasible goal, as far as he's concerned.

"Even if we are a people in exile, this is still our home to defend. If Marley insists on continued aggression, we will respond in kind." If they prove that they can defend Paradis well enough, maybe Marley will be more open to diplomatic discussions.

One of the horses has noticed their presence, and comes trotting up to the fence, whickering a greeting and waiting expectantly - possibly for a good rub on the nose, or a treat from a pocket. Erwin retrieves two halves of a dried apple and hands one to Eren before stepping up to feed the other to the animal, rubbing fondly between her ears.

Eren worries his bottom lip with his teeth, reminded that they are, indeed, physically only working with two. Functionally they only have one; the Colossal Titan is basically a bomb, not very mobile, extremely hot and dangerous to people in a large radius when transforming. That has uses, sure, though Eren doesn't really have the tactical head to think about that. But it's not like Erwin could join him in a battle against Reiner or the Beast Titan very easily.

Erwin says the most Commander-esque thing, Eren thinks. Avoid either scenario if possible. Sure, that sounds nice. He guesses. The thing is that Eren has never cared if their enemies died. Some of them, he personally wanted to kill.

Bertholdt's death was both vengeance and necessity, but the victory of it rings as hollow as Armin's absence.

It isn't just that, though. There's so much more that he knows now. Those two…he hated them so much, them and Annie, but they were all just kids too. They were brainwashed, taught that everyone on the island was evil. But in the end, they had been friends. Friends they had betrayed, sure, but…well, it's complicated.

Eren wouldn't have ever thought he'd betray his friends, but he will if he has to. He hates thinking about that, but if there really is no other way, what can he do?

"They hate us, sir," he says, the honorific an add-on that's almost an absent thought. "They keep blaming us for something that happened 2,000 years ago, like we had anything to do with it. They think that all of us are evil, so they teach other people like us that everyone on the island is some kind of monster. They think we're going to crush the world with the titans that hide in the walls."

That wasn't written in his father's diary, was it? He gets mixed up on what he learned when, how much of it is shared knowledge and how much is just Grisha's knowledge, how much is the Attack Titan's knowledge of the future. Either way, he knows he's absolutely right about Marley. His hatred for Reiner and Bertholdt has morphed into hatred for the place that sent them to the island to begin with.

He takes the other half of the apple and moves away to hold it out to another horse while the one Erwin is feeding is distracted. When the horse realises there's a treat involved, she immediately joins them to take the apple from his hand. He smiles softly, a look that is no longer common on his features. For a second he looks like what he is when he is not a monster: a boy, growing quickly towards manhood that time has doomed him never to enjoy.

It's amazing, really, what animals can do for people. The horses have always been an important part of the Survey Corps, so often their lifelines out beyond the walls. They lose them nearly at the same rate as their soldiers, their losses often nearly as keenly felt. Caring for them is a vital part of the corps activities, almost ritualistic and therapeutic for some. Erwin has both seen and felt the comfort in it. He thinks he sees a little bit of it in Eren now, a handful of moments where their conversation and the unhappy events of the past several months seem to just wash entirely away.

Erwin waits a little while before responding, letting those moments stretch. Their time is limited, now, with Eren's already a third over. They should hold onto the peaceful moments for as long as they can.

"I know," he agrees, although Erwin files that part about the titans in the walls as a point of interest to return back to. "We are at the disadvantage of being forced to prove them right. By threatening us they force our hand to choose, to lay down and accept death, or to fight for our lives, and for some of us to turn ourselves into the devils they believe us to be to protect the rest."

It still feels as though there is a piece missing. Why, after more than a hundred years, did Marley suddenly feel the need to increase its violence against the people inside the walls? More than four generations have gone by since the initial exile, and aside from an apparent steady stream of forcibly transforming people into pure titans, wandering in unceasing nightmares, it seemed as though they had been content to let them be.

Sending in agents to track down Grisha Jeager could have been done more covertly than using children with the power of the Armored and Colossal titans.

Resources is his most prominent theory. Perhaps Marley is in need of more land or minerals, or is aware of something that even they here on Paradis have know knowledge of. Is the island in a place that has suddenly become of strategic importance?

These are the sorts questions that spin almost unceasingly through his mind. There is so much to know about the outside world that it burns deep and hot in his core, not unlike the raging, impossible heat of the Colossal titan, now infused within him.

Erwin blinks, as though coming out of a trance.

"Eren, the memories of the moments of inheriting a titan are suppressed, so for years you weren't aware you were carrying it." Two, technically, as he's already pointed out. "But looking back on it...is there anything from your time as a cadet that you can recall that might have been a sign? A feeling or a memory you didn't understand?"

Eren has always been bad at peace. Even as a child, he found violence (including murder). He's always gotten in fights, swung a fist before using words. Sure, he can find words. He can inspire people without meaning to. He has passion, whether or not it boils into rage. But violence is easy and familiar.

Peace is an illusion.

He reaches out and pets the horse's neck, fingers trailing underneath slightly tangled mane hairs. He's careful not to look at Erwin lest his face give something away. He's too expressive, after all, and knows it. He'll fix that one day, but he's nowhere near that yet.

"What would you do, Commander?" he finally asks. "I know you wouldn't lay down and die."

He doesn't mean that as a barb, but it almost sounds like one.

"What does that leave? Become the devils they're so afraid of?"

Eren's tone is so, so careful. He's not usually this measured, but he can't gauge Erwin all that well. They're not close, but even besides that, he's not always sure what's going on in that too smart head. Erwin can see the big picture in a way that Eren can't. Eren knows the ending and some of the parts, but he can't calculate the pieces. There are things he can't see, but he's pretty sure that with just enough information, Erwin could sort it out. Erwin also doesn't have to think in nonlinear time, but whatever.

As for Erwin's question, that's trickier. What did he know and when? Now it's confusing.

"Once or twice during training I didn't really get hurt when I should have," he says. "I had weird nightmares of running through the woods and my dad with a needle, but that could never make sense to me."

He finally looks at Erwin again, moving his hand back away from the horse as he does.

"Why? Did you remember something weird?"

It helps that Erwin doesn't hear it as a barb. In fact, it stands in almost direct opposition to some of the crueler things said to him throughout his life, which have always put doubt in his judgment, painted him like someone who is somehow wrong or broken for having the goals and desires he does.

What's more, Levi's choice has left him yet with that heavy burden to carry; to make Armin's sacrifice, and that of all those Erwin lead to their deaths that day and all the days before to have meaning. If they simply allow Marley to wipe out their people, anyone they left behind whom they loved or could have loved, what would have been the point, in the end?

For their sake, they must now not just fight for survival, but as always, for their right to thrive.

Erwin had already made a choice to become a devil. Perhaps it is only fitting that he take on that role in the most literal sense. He flexes his right hand and looks to Eren, fixing an intense blue gaze on him, full of unwavering conviction.

"Yes. If that is what it takes, and they cannot be convinced that we are no threat to them otherwise." But there are ways to do that without widespread violence - or at least attempted, anyway.

His gaze shifts back to the horse, softening a little. The animal alternately noses at them both, looking for more treats, and he reaches to scratch lightly just behind her ears as he considers Eren's answer and question.

"I see." He knows Hange has interviewed Eren a number of times with similar questions, but Erwin is trying to align similarities in their experiences. Aside from the obvious physical changes, it's hard to pin down if he really does feel differently, or if he thinks he does because he is already aware of the power he now carries. There is a sense of something, but it could easily be dismissed by someone who wasn't told what happened.

"Nothing of particular consequence. My dreams have been...strange, but I think primarily of when I-..."

He stops, aborting the sentence. For all that he's been called a monster, will rise to the reality of his new situation, the thought and even flashes of memory of eating another person (a young cadet, Bertolt, caught between childhood and adulthood and generations of horror) still make him feel physically ill.

Erwin takes a moment to push the feeling away, and continues along another thread.

"Once or twice I believe I've had a glimpse of something that might have belonged to Bertolt, but the memory is...not definitive."

Eren isn't (yet) privy to all of Erwin's motivations or goals, but he sure as hell has no room to judge. His own goal had originally been to destroy the titans, but what the hell does that mean now? He's thought before that for titans to disappear from the world, he would have to disappear as well. He knows that to be true now, and wonders if he knew it anyway on some subconscious level. Even Eren can't be sure what Eren knows. No one should hold so much knowledge and memory, certainly not someone so young and already traumatised by the world and its horrors.

Yes. If that is what it takes, Erwin says. Eren chews on his bottom lip. How much can he say and when? He knows the ending but the pieces are out of order, full of holes.

The Colossal Titan in the harbour of Liberio.

A blond man on a stage (which man? which stage?), death and pain and declarations of war.

An army that will follow Erwin Smith to the end of world.

He manages a nod, absently running fingers through the horse's mane as she pushes him for more treats.

"It's hard to separate it all out," Eren says, which is both an agreement and an admission, though a sideways one. A lot of things he says to people lately seem to be like that, truth mixed with obfuscation. He hasn't really gotten to outright lying but he'll have to someday.

"You get used to it, though." The death, he means. The idea that you actually ate someone else. Eren's situation is so, so different. He will never tell anyone that truth. Zeke will see it, but Zeke's timer will run out before Eren's does. No matter how this goes, that will always be true. Whether he outlives Zeke by minutes or hours or years, he will definitely outlive him.

"Sometimes you have to do awful things in order to not die."

As if Erwin, already thought of as a devil by people on their own island, is unaware of that.

"Like becoming a monster," he says, barely more than a whisper.

Erwin takes it that he'll get used to the strange memories filtering in, the dreams. Perhaps a little of the idea that he ate someone, but in truth he doesn't think he'll ever quite be over it. It is strange to think of it, to know that others bore witness to the act. Part of him thinks that they all look at him differently, think of him differently, and it isn't entirely just because he now carries the power of the Colossal Titan, but because they've seen him do one of the most horrific things, one of the most terrifying things that could be suffered by any human being - the things they've all fought to prevent.

Even if it isn't true, he feels it. Those memories are there, in all of them, even though he himself only has glimpses of it, feelings.

Becoming a monster, indeed. Now he has completed that transformation.

"...yes," Erwin agrees quietly.

Eren, at least, doesn't look at Erwin any differently. They are both monsters, and Eren knows he is worse than anyone else could ever be, worse than Reiner, worse than Erwin, worse than Zeke.

He keeps that to himself but turns to look at Erwin, brows slightly furrowed.

"What happens now, Commander? We can't just wait for them to come."

He's so definitive saying it. He knows that Marley will come, ships first, volunteers to lead Eldia to freedom. Eren will eventually betray them, too, but it doesn't matter. He doesn't care about them. He's fairly sure that Zeke is connected to it somehow, but he keeps any knowledge he has of Zeke beyond what they were told in Grisha's journal to himself. Is it clear that the Beast Titan is Zeke Jaeger? He really should read those pages again, get straight what is actually there and what isn't.

Erwin is astute; he'll pick up on it if Eren says something that isn't yet known. Eren is sure of that.

He thinks about it for a second and tries again.

"If you were them, what would your next move be?"

If you were Marley. If you hated the people you were fighting against. If you were afraid of them, afraid of a power they might somehow have. Eren knows what he would do: hit them first.

On this side of it, anticipating Marley's next action, they have to be ready for it or outplay them. Eren still doesn't even know what kinds of technology Marley has. Flying machines, sure. Guns, but they know what guns are. They just don't usually fight people with them. He just hates standing still, not knowing when the future would catch up to the present in his mind.

We can't just wait for them to come.

Erwin turns a steady, clear gaze to Eren. It's at once piercing and veiled, his expression even. It seems almost an innocent, logical conclusion. Reiner and Zeke escaping along with the Cart Titan, taking the knowledge of what's happened back to their people likely means an even bigger retaliation. It would seem prudent, therefore, to be proactive, perhaps even to make a bigger move first. Yet there are too many variables, too many unknowns he hasn't had time yet to tease out.

But there's also something subtly...sinister, almost, about the suggestion, and the question that follows. Erwin isn't entirely sure if Eren intends it as manipulation, would ordinarily say that he wouldn't consider Eren capable of that sort of subtlety. But it sets something off in his mind, vibrating like a string being plucked. It's clear enough the answer Eren is hoping for, prodding at the idea that they should be doing something, and something significant, at that.

"Unfortunately, it's too early to say what they may or may not do next. They failed to completely eliminate us or capture you to bring back with them, so I expect their return will not be a pleasant one. We have gained much by finally obtaining the knowledge that your father left for us, but there is more yet we do not know, including what may have changed in the years since that time.

For now, I plan to focus on rebuilding our forces, and eliminating the remaining titans outside our walls. A frontal assault will be meaningless otherwise. And," he pauses, looking down at his right hand. Regrown. Healthy. Whole.

"Like you have done, I believe I should train myself in understanding this new power. That will take time, and require considerably more space."

Eren might not consciously intend it as manipulation.

This Eren might not. The other one — the one existing throughout too many years, pulling strings in his own past — probably would. Eren in the present, even confused as he sometimes feels, isn't quite that unhinged.

Or he could just be deluding himself. He's been manipulative since he was a kid. It just shows up in different ways. If he was accused of it, he'd get mad, defensive. But he'd pulled some innocent friend act on Reiner long enough to attack him. He's never been above playing dirty.

He is aware, however, that as far as words go, as far as being smart goes, he can't hold a candle to Erwin, or Hange, or…or Armin. He never could. He doesn't know how to solve problems without destruction, without violence. He's as resolved as he can be right now to see this thing through. Eventually he'll accept that there is no other way.

He just doesn't know how to get Erwin on his side and keep him there long enough for it to be too late. That's what it has to be. He has to get Erwin to be ready to kill a whole lot of people, but spare Zeke. It's a hard sell. Zeke decimated their numbers. Erwin would have died there, too, sacrificing himself to give Levi time to take down the Beast Titan.

And Levi. Would Levi be okay with it? Eren knows the answer, but Levi will follow Erwin…won't he? Whatever Erwin does, Levi and Hange will be right there. The rest of the Scouts will be with them, even if they don't always agree.

He's seen the ending, though. It has to be that. Where in time can't he see? How is so much still confused and clouded? (Spoilers: he did half of this to himself.)

He checks back in to the conversation and shakes his head.

"We can't take them head on," he says, an agreement. "They have…"

Weapons we don't, he wants to say. Machines. Things that fly. That sounds insane, and even Eren isn't entirely sure of what he's trying to describe.

"…more titans than we do," he finishes, which is true. They only have two. Three, counting the Founder, but it doesn't really count as it is. They still have Annie taken out of Marley's ranks, but that leaves the others. Reiner, who Eren has never quite beaten in a fight. The Cart, whatever the hell that one does. Carries…a gun? Yeah, he's not sure. The Jaw, since there is no way they will let Ymir live. Eren can't even feel bad about it; she made her choice.

Zeke, the Beast Titan, an opponent that should not be underestimated. Eren knows Zeke will help him, but he also knows Zeke is dangerous. They all saw it, went through it.

And the War Hammer? Does Marley ever actually use it? What is it, exactly? A man on a stage yelling dramatically. The taste of blood. Explosions in a harbour. That's the one Eren has to take. He doesn't understand how he knows it's that one, but it is.

"You can do a lot without being a titan," he adds, which isn't flattery. Eren has never in his life pandered to anyone like that. It's just true. "You can do strategy and all that."

Eren's words are far from eloquent, but it doesn't matter. Erwin is the smartest person he knows, probably. Erwin or Hange. He shoves thoughts of Armin out of his mind as best he can. There has to be something Erwin can see, think of, do, that Eren can't yet. Anyway, he's well aware he's still a military asset. Even if Erwin doesn't see him that way, Erwin isn't the whole military.

"We can't let them get past the shore," he says, staring off into nothing like he sometimes does. He still has one hand on the horse's neck. The animal's nostrils flare, sensing something off, but she doesn't shy or turn to bite him or anything. Their horses deal with way more stressful things than Eren being weird.

The addition makes Erwin smile a little, just enough of a curve to his lips and a crinkling of his eyes to be there. It's a little distant, not quite wry as he looks out across the pasture, as though he can see all the way to the sea. They're on an island. Isolated. Contained. There's no clear indication yet of just how far away they might be from anything else. They can navigate by stars, but they have no practical knowledge of how to build or maneuver a ship across such an endless expanse of water.

He wants to see it more than anything. His palms practically tingle at the thought, of reaching that shore and looking out to see a perfectly flat, open horizon.

Supposedly, the whole of the world is against them. Regardless of what Grisha Jaeger had recorded, Erwin is well aware that this is only the recording of one man's account and experiences. While he doesn't necessarily doubt the truth of what was written, humans are never uniform in their beliefs. They may yet find allies in the world beyond, or uncover many more sides than even perhaps Grisha knew. There are possibilities, but it's impossible to guess at what shape they have until they have the chance to actually go out there and see things for themselves.

But first, their island.

"Strategy, yes. Although I doubt that they are not without their own military thinkers." Sending young soldiers in to infiltrate their ranks - yes, someone certainly had a specific plan in mind. "Still, I do not intend to rely on one or the other, and will consider all of our assets. You are correct, Eren; we must discover their landing points and eliminate or control any infrastructure there." If they're lucky, Marley never bothered to establish more than one place of entry. Why would they, confident enough that their populations would be well contained behind the walls?

Erwin lifts a hand to smooth a palm down the horse's neck below Eren's, a steadying touch. She flicks her tail, eyes shifting between the two of them as she shifts her feet. Their horses are perhaps the most precious resource they have, and now so many of them are gone, along with their riders. Perhaps with this so-called victory, Erwin will be able to recruit yet more people to bolster their numbers; perhaps some from the garrison might request to join. Once they begin to fully eliminate Titans, even more will come over. It'll take time, but it'll happen.

But there will always be the shroud at his back. The ghosts of all those who got them there. Not a night has gone by when he hasn't heard the echo of thundering hoofbeats, the screaming of dying men and horses, the quick flash of shadow overhead of rocks sailing overhead.

Erwin realizes there's a sick pull in his stomach, his hand faintly trembling against the soft auburn hair of the horse's neck. Finally deciding she's had enough of the strange atmosphere, she chuffs and turns away, trotting back to her scant companions in the field.

The Commander swallows down the thickness in his throat, and drops his hand.

"Anyway, I expect to begin training this ability in the coming days. I would like to request that you be on hand to assist in my initial attempts, as someone who has experience."

Of course Erwin could simply order Eren to be present, but especially with so few of them left, it feels important to build a tighter coalition of trust by asking rather than outright demanding. Perhaps it's just an illusion of choice, but sometimes it still makes a difference.

[There's been a heatwave the last four days. Shopkeepers opening every window, and laborers sweating through their threadbare clothing. Armin felt it an omen. Oppressive heat - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.

[Then, on Friday, sat atop their lonely hill, only one tree to its name, a cool breeze washes down over the slope, making Armin's hair lift up and float back down.

[It feels nice.

[He nudges Eren's knee with his own.]

The reaping's today...

[As if he could forget. As if any of them could...]

[ Eren has his eyes closed, listening but not listening. There are so few places they don't have to be on alert either for the Peacekeepers or for some other shit to happen. He's half-dreaming, like he often does, of the way the world should be. Life without the oppression of the Capitol. Life that isn't fenced in.

Freedom, a forbidden word in Panem.

Armin nudges him and his eyes open. The world as it was is just a daydream and the world as it is settles into him with those words. ]

Yeah. I know.

[ When his mom was still alive she made him dress up for it. It's custom or whatever. Now he doesn't bother. He shows up looking like a mess on purpose, all but daring those Capital assholes to say something to him about it. He gets frowns, but the ceremony of the whole sordid thing matters more than bitching about Eren's clothes.

He looks up at the sky again for a moment, then sighs and shoves himself to his feet. He turns and offers Armin a hand. ]

Guess we shouldn't be late to our potential funerals.

[Armin accepts Eren's hand. He hasn't often been known not to. With just a small sound of effort, he uses Eren as an achor to pull himself up and onto his feet.]

I've been trying to figure the probability. [Like he does every year.] But there are too many variables, assuming the system isn't rigged anyway.

[A glance toward Eren - a small, almost apologetic smile.] It is. I know.

There's really no way of telling, is there? Who will be chosen, I mean.

[ Eren's hand lingers, holding Armin's for longer than he needs to before he finally lets it drop away. He tucks a stray piece of hair behind his ear with that hand, a gesture that would fool absolutely no one into thinking he wasn't entirely obvious. ]

I dunno. I don't have any head for the math.

[ It makes his head spin thinking about it. There's too much going on to really calculate it, isn't there? ]

Have you ever guessed right?

[ Predicted it. Known. Even come close. Eren's not sure. Armin's the smartest person he knows, but it doesn't seem like even he can predict who they're going to drag off to be killed this year. ]

Anyway they probably put people's name in extra if they get pissed off at us. Maybe it really will be me this year.

[ He's said that every year since they were old enough to be chosen. He does clash with the Peacekeepers, it's true, but never bad enough to get into serious trouble.

Since Carla died, he's been worse, stepping over the line instead of toeing it. If the Peacekeepers didn't know everyone personally, it might go different. Maybe he's lucky in some way.

There's always the chance that he's right, though. It could be him. It could be any of them. ]

If it's me, I won't let them kill me.

[ He says that every year too. ]

[Eren's hand does linger, and Armin wishes it would longer, by the time it's taken away. The way he tucks his hair behind his ear, as if no one could possibly understand what's going on in his head. It makes Armin smile, just a little.

[At his last few words, however, the smile fades. Armin's eyes drop to the ground.]

I wish you wouldn't talk like that...

[Best not to linger on that potential argument, though. He looks back to Eren, and smiles again. This one isn't quite as genuine.

[It's anxious.]

I've never come close to guessing right, no. There are some patterns, maybe, but...nothing so definitive that it can't be written off as coincidence.

They certainly know their game...

[ Eren is aware that Armin doesn't share his morbidity about this. They've seen people die, people they knew. No one extremely close to them has died recently but the District isn't that big. ]

It's not like we can do anything about it from here. Maybe if they do pick me, I could find a way to do something in the Capitol.

[ This is one of the most dangerous things he talks about. He knows better than to do it back closer to town, where the wrong person might hear him. The Peacekeepers here put up with a lot because they don’t want to have a hassle on their hands but no one would dare tolerate treason.

Eren hates it. He thinks they're all afraid, complacent, willing to keep dying for sport. It's not like their lives here are great. In his idealism he can't understand why they're all fine just tolerating this endless death march. ]

If even you can't guess it, they probably do rig it somehow. Who knows.

[ One side of his mouth quirks up, almost arrogant. ]

Don’t worry so much. Odds ever in our favour, right? There's a ton of other people.

[ People Eren is willing to sacrifice, just like they all are. Hypocritical, maybe, but even Eren has to survive here. He can't cry for every other kid in the Games. It's not like he'll throw away his life for just anyone. He's not some kind of hero, he thinks, and he doesn't want to be. He just wants to keep the people he loves who are still alive living as long as possible.

If it means setting the whole Capitol on fire, fine. ]

I wouldn't be surprised at all if the reaping was rigged. The games themselves too...

[Armin keeps his voice very low as he says this, a bit more concerned with Peacekeepers than Eren, even from this far away...]

Eren. [Armin pauses their walk, turning to face his friend. He inclines his head, one corner of his mouth lifted up in a smile that asks for Eren to indulge him a moment.]

You're passionate. I get it. I love that about you. [But...

[He glances away, just a moment. Then, he turns back, and nudges his friend with his elbow.]

It's not such a bad thing that I don't want you to die, is it? I'm not sure you'd be so keen on me saying the same sorts of things.

[There's a weighted pause, then.]

If I were to get chosen...I can't help but think that the only thing on my mind would be survival. Maybe that's selfish, but...

[ Eren stops because Armin does. He catches that look on the other boy's face, that little smile. Eren isn't quick to smile these days, but he tries to return it a little. ]

I don't want you to die either, not in the Games or anywhere else.

[ He thinks of the mines, the expectation that they eventually become miners. He sees it as another form of slavery to Capitol, breaking themselves and their bodies for the people in their shining privileged city to keep their privilege secure.

He hates all of them, bleeding them dry for generations. ]

The only way to win is to be selfish. If you had to go in that arena, you have to fight. Who cares if it's selfish?

[ Eren's need to win in the Games is a mix of selfishness and the burning love for Armin, Mikasa, their friends, the idea of freedom. ]

If I get chosen, I'll do whatever it takes to come back to you.

[ Whatever it takes. ]

Mm. ["The only way to win is to be selfish." Armin nods.] Yeah. You're right about that...

I just wonder how selfish I could be, if it came to that. [He doesn't want to kill anyone...He can barely imagine it.

[He takes Eren's hand in his. It could easily be a friendly gesture. Something reassuring, a firm grip. And he smiles wider now; it's a false one, but most people don't pick up on that - feigned confidence in the face of complete uncertainty.]

Neither of us will be chosen. So just stick around instead, okay?

[A little squeeze to Eren's palm.]

[ Eren is already a murderer, though he has never confessed this to Armin. He doesn't want Armin to look at him differently; besides, if anyone knew, anyone heard, then no one would be safe. He'd killed to save Mikasa when they were younger, and he would do it again.

Would it be harder to kill people his own age or younger? Maybe. But he really does mean he'd do anything.

Without thought, Eren's fingers slide between Armin's. Neither of them is reassured, probably, but he still wants to stay like this. He'd pulled his hand away earlier, awkward, almost shy. He trips over his own feelings when he's not careful.

That smile is bullshit and he knows it, but who is he to call that out? ]

Yeah. It will be fine.

[ He says it with confidence and means it as best as he can. The clock ticks closer to the Reaping and all they can do is show up and hope. ]

[Eren's fingers, entangled with his own. Armin's heart lifts.

[He nods, appearing satisfied for the moment - only appearing. But his smile becomes genuine when he looks at his friend - after that, a bit teasing, because he's giving Eren a once-over.]

I guess you won't be getting dressed up this year either, huh?

[ Eren snorts at the question. ]

Fuck that. They wanna drag me off to die, I'm gonna wear comfortable clothes.

[ He knows as well as anyone that it doesn't work that way. The Capitol has its bullshit rituals and they'll all get paraded around in clothes that cost more money than anyone in District 12 can even fathom. But for now, he can say things that don't matter. ]

You shouldn't either. They boss us around enough.

Eren had almost forgotten about the dreams. On tour, there's a whirlwind of activity, shows and afterparties and whatever stupid shit he does to chase the high of performing. He's always chasing something, whether he knows what it is or not. He needs the adrenaline of it, the rush in his veins, or he feels like he'll break down. He has a volatile temper; it's better to channel it into self-destruction than destroying others.

Probably.

But the tours always end and he goes back home. There's a new record in the works, which is a different whirlwind, but it leaves Eren alone with his thoughts for days at a time. There's nothing scheduled for awhile; his manager told him to "get some fucking rest for once." He probably won't do that. He's always been terrible at following orders, too like to run off on his own. There's some weird deja vu thread of familiarity in that thought, but he can never pin it down.

Eventually even Eren has to slow down a little.

He lays on his too big, too empty bed, clothes scattered around the room. They're all his clothes; he rarely lets anyone come home with him. If he fucks around, he goes somewhere else. This way, no one sees what a wreck he makes around him, literally or metaphorically.

Here in the city, it is never dark or quiet. But he thinks of a world where it could be, a tree on a hill somewhere and the endless, ominous blue sky. He's not sure when he closed his eyes or when he drifted out of time and into what he thinks is a dream. He's had this dream off and on his whole life. This is better than the other ones, death and blood and the ocean boiling so far below him it seems like it couldn't even exist.

His head clears a little and he stands in the still sands of the Paths. Sometimes when he's here, he knows what it is, if not when it is. He remembers, the mix of past/present/future thrumming inside him. When he wakes, he will have only bits and pieces of it.

He still thinks that this isn't real, of course.

There are other people here sometimes, but tonight it's just one, one constant presence.

Armin doesn't always look the same. Are there other lives lived in between? Do they exist at the same time? Is Armin really just some figment of Eren's imagination, creating some sort of conscience? He rejects that idea as much as he rejects that Armin is a real person.

He takes a step and the world changes, the water of the ocean coming up around his legs. He can feel straps along his chest, up his legs. (This is some weird fetish shit, he's thought before. Why the hell are they wearing harnesses at the ocean? Who does that?)

There's a green cloak next to him on the shore, folded over to obscure a logo he can't remember today.

He looks around.

"Armin?" he asks, uncertain, his voice too young in his ears.

[Armin's head is spinning like he's going to pass out. He's currently walking, full speed, away from the crowd at The Reaping. They've been given time - very little time - to prepare for--

[The Games. God, he feels sick. "Keep. Walking. Just keep. Walking."

[Eren can't be far behind. He must be furious. Armin might be furious too, if he could get himself to take more than a shallow, gasping breath. It all happened so fast...Mikasa, and then Eren, and then...

["What was I thinking?"

[He knows they'll have to talk. They have to, of course. But Armin can't do it here. Get away, get away, get far away until they can try to feel somewhat alone.

[Why can't it be that morning on the hill? Why is this happening?

["We're both going to die!"]

[ Eren is angry. He's absolutely furious, in fact. He was furious to hear Mikasa's name called. He was even angrier when Armin of all people volunteered to go with him. What the fuck was he thinking? There's only one winner in the Games, a fact they're both well aware of.

The whole thing is probably stupid. Of the three of them, Mikasa was the one with the highest chance of survival. But Eren has killed to save her before, and he'd do it again. But…even Eren can't kill someone he loves. He doesn't want to die, but…

He doesn't catch up with Armin right away. For one, he has to deal with Mikasa as best he can; the people running things end up pulling them away from each other and telling Eren to take a walk. It wasn't a suggestion.

So he goes after Armin in the end. They can't go too far, since they have to be rounded up and stuck on a train. But first.

When he finds Armin, Eren doesn't even miss a beat, grabbing his shoulders too tightly as he turns the shorter boy towards him. ]

What the fuck are you doing? Do you want to die? Who's gonna take care of Mikasa if I'm not here? What the fuck are you thinking?

[ He's yelling by the end of it, choosing anger to channel his fear, his despair, his sadness. Tears threaten to fall from his eyes and he can't quite blink them away.

Before Armin can answer, he pulls Armin against him. His arms are shaking when they wrap around Armin and he buries his face in soft blond hair. ]

What are we gonna do now?

[ He's not yelling anymore. ]

[Eren's never laid a hand on Armin in violence, but if he were to punch him right now, Armin wouldn't blame him for a second. It was a stupid choice. No way Armin can hold his own - he'll either die immediately, hold back Eren long enough to get them both killed, or...the worst possible result...

[Eren would never kill him. He would never kill Eren. It's unthinkable. It's impossible.

["Suicide, then?" Armin is already thinking of ways to make sure Eren wins...

[Armin's train of thought is shattered when Eren pulls him against his chest. He clings back, arms wrapping desperately around his best friend. He mirrors Eren's tears, chest heaving for breath. He's always been prone to panic attacks, but this...]

I-I...I-I don't know! I couldn't just let you go - I-I couldn't...

[The tears begin to flow properly. Armin wouldn't say that he's always been the more emotional of the two of them, but in recent years, since Eren's parents died, and he's started to numb...]

Eren...I'm so sorry...

You idiot.

[ But the bite he means to put into his words is nonexistent. He can't muster it. He's still angry, but the idea of what comes next is so awful he can hardly stand to think about it. ]

I won't let you die. Somehow we'll figure something out. You're not allowed to die on me.

[ He has that tone in his voice that he gets when he's speaking treason, something that might sound fanatic to someone else. It's his intensity level ramped up, the tension set into his body obvious even as he holds onto Armin. ]

I won't let you. We have to come home.

[ Not you have to come home. Eren would die for someone he loved if he had to, but that's never where his ideas start. We have to come home. ]

Eren...

[As kids, they'd both had these fantastical ideas...A life without the games, without the famine, without districts, and peacekeepers, and pain. They could find that freedom, surely, if they only tried. But Eren's ideas became fanatical and treacherous. Surely, he can't believe they'll both be able to make it home...]

If it comes down to it, you have...you have to win! You have to come home - Mikasa needs you, and...

[He closes his eyes shut tight, still clinging to Eren.]

I'm not nearly as important...you want to change the world, I'm just some stupid kid...I'm only going to drag you down, I...I don't know what I was thinking.

[ Eren pushes back enough to look into Armin's eyes again. ]

Don’t. Don’t even start that. You can't go into that arena thinking about how you're gonna die to save me.

[ He just knows that's what's going on. Seems like a good way to end up dead right away. And without Armin to strategise, Eren himself is likely to get killed too. He doesn't stand a chance against the Careers without a plan. And he's likely to run off half-cocked like always. He's self-aware enough to realise that much. ]

I can't change the world alone. You're the smartest person I know. If anyone can figure out how to game the Games, it's you.

[ He drops his gaze and his hands at the same time, finally. Those tears he tried to stop slide down his cheeks and he doesn't even wipe them away yet. ]

Besides, you're my...

[ But he's not even sure how to finish that. Anything he comes up with seems inadequate, or like a truth he can't yet confess. ]

[Armin understands. It's almost something that doesn't need to be spoken. He's Eren's. Eren is his. Mikasa - she's theirs too, and they're hers. Whatever that might come to mean, it doesn't matter. It'll always be true.]

Eren...

[Armin's voice becomes very soft. He reaches up to thumb away the tears on Eren's cheeks.]

I won't leave you...[Isn't that what started this whole thing anyway?]

You're...you're right.

[He takes a deep breath, tries to inflate his chest as much as possible. Then, he breathes it out. it's a feeble attempt at trying to look, or sound, or maybe even feel brave, but...it doesn't quite land on any of those fronts. Still...]

We'll find a way to win. Both of us. We will, we...we have to...

[ Eren leans his forehead against Armin's, eyes closed again, for just a moment. When he straightens up, he does wipe tears away with the back of his hand.

His green eyes are determined, blazing with that spark that borders on mania or madness at times. ]

We'll kill everyone if that's what we have to do.

[ He doesn't really just mean in the arena, but details, right? ]

What do we do now?

[ Determined, but uncertain, he looks down at Armin, searching. Eren isn't a planner. He's sure he can murder a few people if it comes to it, but Armin is the thinker. He must have some idea of how to strategise. There's all the stuff before the Games and everything, but Eren isn't even thinking of that.

All he can think of is blood and death and winning and coming home. Together, somehow. ]

Right...

[Armin takes a deep breath. Whether or not he wants to - whether or not he likes it - it's time to start steeling himself. He'll have to if he wants to survive; for Eren, he needs to survive...

[And he needs to think.]

There are preparations before the games. That includes training - at least, some - if I'm not mistaken...

I need to find a weapon I can learn and learn quickly. That will be key...[As much as he hates - hates - to admit that...]

We'll learn more - not much more, but more - during this period of preparation.

We need to pay attention to everything - the other players, anything and everything we learn about the games, how to get sponsors, how to appeal to the viewers--

[Something clicks.]

Eren, that's the key. You've seen yourself what a difference sponsors can make. There will be an interview portion preceding the games. We need to make an impression - both of us.

[Eren, who is both the most and least charismatic person Armin's ever met, somehow.]

Whatever we can do to appeal to our audience, that's what we have to do. That's what we have to do to win.

[ Despite the grimness of the situation, Eren smiles a little watching Armin just think. He's sure he's never met anyone smarter. If anyone can game the Games, it's gotta be Armin.

They just need more information on what actually happens. Some of the before stuff is a mystery. There's training of some kind, though training in the actual Districts has always been forbidden. 1 and 2 don't care; the career tributes there definitely come in with training.

Eren knows a little about how to use a knife, but nothing formal enough. Is that the kind of weapon he should pick? That's pretty personal; you have to get close to someone to kill them with a knife. Well, it's not like he cares all that much. Other people don't matter in this equation, even if they're only kids.

The only thing that matters is not letting Armin die. That's it. That's all there can be. ]

W-wait, we have to appeal to our audience? How the hell are we gonna do that?

[ Eren is self-aware enough to know he's not exactly the most personable or inspiring person alive. He doesn't realise that sometimes he is both of those things, not really. ]

They dress us up and parade us around, but District 12 doesn't do so hot with sponsors. You know that.

[ He has a feeling Armin will do fine at the interview stuff. He has a good idea of how to get into other people's heads and say what they want to hear. Eren is just Eren; he says whatever he means at the time. ]

( so... I want you to live long lives.

in a sense, Armin supposes he did, years past Sasha, Eren, his body aging and weakening before thirty. but his life had long become borrowed — that day in Trost, Shiganshina, Salta. displays of good will were always risky. he isn't ready (if anyone can be), but he isn't really surprised, no panicked claw for life like all the times before.

beneath him, the cobblestone is cool, almost comforting, except where his blood pools, hot and wet. above him, someone screams, guttural. Armin surmises the scuffle is to wrench control of the gun. he remembers the pop, the crowd screaming and dispersing, his name somewhere under the current.

it's too late. he feels sand against his cheek, beneath his fingertips, grains falling as his fingers curl and he lifts his hand. he's been here before. some nights, he dreams about it.

slow, Armin pushes himself to his knees, then his feet, body slack. that's right. if Eldians are devils... this must be Hell. )

[ Eren, of course, is unchanged. Time doesn't mean anything to him here. It's been decades. It's been minutes. No more titans, but he didn't quite release the power of the Founder when Ymir did. Time still spins out all at once, the past and future converged into something confusing.

He's been in hell since long before he died.

But he could only ever see the future as far as the Attack Titan could see, bits of the ending confused in the jumble of his own memories and thousands of years' worth of other people's memories. He and Armin made a promise, but…

He knows when he's not alone anymore (though there's some question about it, the ghosts and echoes of the past and future. Is he really alone? He's not always sure). But still, he knows.

He doesn't walk so much as just appears there, standing over Armin. Really, looming would be a better word, though he's the same height he was the last time they saw each other. He has the same half-careless hairstyle, wisps of hair framing his face. His eyes, green-blue tempests, glare down at Armin. His hands are in his pockets, balled into fists.

It wasn't meant to be this way. This wasn't what he wanted. It should be decades, and not just in the strange way time passes here. It hasn't been as long as it should. He just knows. ]

You're not supposed to be here.

( for a moment, Armin's breath catches in his throat.

even at his most bitter and angry, life without Eren felt like eternity, those lonesome, twilight moments before the morning seeming to contract and stretch the way the Paths do. the lines of adulthood in Armin's face are still somewhat youthful: the set of his eyes, weary and dull, aging Armin above all else. finally, he laughs in an exhale, straightening off the ground to face Eren as he last remembers him.

no, that's not right. the last Armin remembers — )

You can be really cruel... ( Armin smiles, subdued but fond. ) Eren.

[ Eren keeps staring for a long moment, eyes slightly unfocused. It's still memory upon memory happening all at once like always. He's had so much solitude here over the past endless amount of time. There's no Zeke, no Ymir, just sand. Or waves. Or the soft grass when he can hold onto it.

It always comes back to sand and endless night, the shining tree pillar of the Paths shimmering somewhere in a distance that now seems unreachable. He's not sure why it's still there, but he's not a god — he doesn't really know how or why this place works. He never wanted to die, to accept whatever this fate really is, but there was no other way.

Armin pulls himself up and Eren refocuses, still looking down but not as far. ]

It's too soon.

[ He means it as clarification, but it almost sounds like an accusation. However long he's been here will never be enough to completely diminish his anger, at himself, at the world and its disappointments, at the end of time, whatever.

His features soften again, though. ]

I missed you.

( evidently, not soon enough.

peace negotiations, ushered under Historia's reign, had at least taken some years ago. Armin only hopes his death, likely at the hands of someone fringe, strengthens the treaty. he doesn't think about it, not at the moment, his brow furrowing as the light softens in his eyes; the quality, wet. )

Mm.

( a beat. Armin wraps his arms about Eren, tight, a tremble in his body. his cheeks are round; his hair, short. he thinks of Eren's severed head, nested in Mikasa's arms, raw again and nineteen. his voice is louder than he intends, wavering and wet. )

Did you think I would be happy without you! I want to be here — so don't tell me it's too soon!

[ Eren, of course, never really thought or cared about diplomacy. He doesn't have a head for that kind of thing. He didn't ever consider that the Jaegerists would actually make life hell for the people he was trying to save, but part of that was a knowledge gap. He knew some people would die, sure, but he didn't know that the whole military would get turned into titans. He only knew about some of them; Yelena had misled him.

Ultimately, the knowledge probably wouldn't have changed anything. But by the time he knew the whole picture, it was too late and didn't matter.

All of it is too late now anyway, right? Here they are.

Together, in hell, forever. That's what Armin promised. Eren kind of wishes he hadn't made good on that. Armin didn't deserve to stay here in this wasteland out of time forever, regardless of what kind of responsibility Armin wanted to take for the Rumbling. On the other hand, after all this time, Eren was much happier than he let on to not be alone.

He's a little startled when Armin hugs him. When was the last time he touched anyone? Tomorrow. Last year. A hundred years ago. Lifetimes.

Chronologically, if that ever mattered, the last person who touched him alive was…well, he doesn't remember. He doesn't remember what happened after, either, Mikasa taking that last piece of him back to the island. The last person he really remembers touching…is standing here in front of him again.

After a moment he returns the embrace, leaning his face down against Armin's hair. Everything is different and nothing is. ]

I'm sorry. But I wanted you to live a long time, I told you that.

[ He had, right? Sometime, before he'd completely tipped off the deep end, back when he still had the barest hope there could be another way. ]

( except the grip of his fingers in Eren's clothes, clinging for life if they weren't already dead, Armin goes slack in Eren's arms. to most, Eren Jeager is a rhetorical device: humanity's hope, then Eldia's, a hero, a devil. here, Eren Jeager is real; his body, warm and solid against Armin's. )

Mm... ( Armin's expression remains contorted, anguished. after a moment — what does that mean in the Paths? — Armin manages a whisper: ) Mikasa will... Jean and Connie, too.

( Armin can hear the beach, waves on sand. )

[ Eren's spectre surely hangs over the world he left them, the ruined torn up ground and half-boiled ocean finally calming to something manageable. Whether that was what he wanted or not, it's inescapable. The people still alive cannot possibly forget his name and his horrors.

Eren himself, here and unchanging, is still more than just that monster. Here with Armin, he can still just be human. ]

Yeah, but…

[ He's not sure how to say everything inside him. He's always been shit with words. Hitting things to solve problems? Sure, great, fine. Talking to people? Hard pass. He got worse at it the more he withdrew, the more lies and half-truths he told, the colder he became. It's been so long since then. (It hasn't.) ]

I don't want anyone else I love to die young.

[ It's as close as he gets and he nearly chokes on the words anyway.

The sand turns wet and thick, not the dry desert but the strange texture of the beach, white sand and blue water that goes on forever. Not the ocean between them and Marley, but the ocean they longed for. Armin's ocean.

Eren straightens up, taking Armin's shoulders and moving him back so they can look at each other again. ]

I wish I could send you back.

[ He half-means that, always heedless of what other people want. He's always been so selfish, even in his desire to protect people, even in his insane roundabout plan to save a handful of people from a world that hated them. It's always about him, too. He's not good at selflessness.

His hands finally drop away, back to his sides. ]

I didn't think you'd really come.

[ The last part is soft. It isn't that he doesn't want Armin here. Of course he does. He's longed for that promised company, the penance Armin agreed to pay for the world that Eren destroyed. It's so much better than the nonlinear solitude of his own thoughts. Besides, he missed Armin specifically, Armin who had always been there to stand by him — or against him, when truly necessary. That last goodbye, the one he erased from Armin's memory until he was dead, had been the hardest one. ]

Eren...

( what does it mean, really, that Eren is here? isn't Ymir free? he always wondered...

what happened to the lobopodia?

Armin turns, eyes on the sea. ) I haven't exactly forgiven you. For a while, what happened after was worse. More people died: disease, hunger, paranoia... ( fighting each other for resources, on suspicion of Eldian blood. ) It was like the old government under the fake King Fritz. It seemed hopeless. Even today, there's a lot of refugees... ( for a moment, Armin falls quiet. ) That's why I had to come.

( smiling, Armin turns, eyes bloodshot. ) Because I showed you my grandpa's book. ( because he convinced the others to protect Eren, to make contact with Zeke. he hesitated when he shouldn't have. even if Eren could... he can't. not really. all the people and places they lost, all the pieces Armin has had picked up, it would be for nothing. ) We did the Rumbling together.

[ Eren might not have all the answers himself, in the end. If asked whether he chose to stay, he'd say the same shit he always does about freedom and inevitability, contradicting himself in the same two breaths.

Maybe it really is just hell, the price he paid for the death of the world.

He would pay it again. The terrible truth has always been that he will take this over the other option, the death of everything he actually cared about. Eren weighed his love and rage against the world and the world didn't stand a chance. ]

I don't expect you to forgive me.

[ He never has. He's aware that the things he's done are unforgivable. Those people didn't want to die. Most of them didn't deserve to die.

He frowns a little.

He had never set out to save the world, or really save the island. It was about a few people, their worth to him more than anything imaginable. He didn't mean to leave them something hopeless. What had he meant to do? Well, his ability to plan ahead has never actually been all that good. Knowing the ending didn't change that too much (and clearly there was plenty he didn't know). ]

We did not. It had nothing to do with you.

[ He doesn't want Armin to share any responsibility for the horrible things he's done. But he already knows; he's heard this before.

He reaches out with both hands, one on each of his friend's cheeks, and tilts Armin's face up. Finally, after a million years where he wouldn't look anyone in the face and mean it, he meets Armin's eyes here. Finally, he is just Eren. No titan marks on his face, no distant look, no lies. They are just them, even in this strange never-ending nightmare. ]

You didn't do anything to blame yourself for. Let that go.

Eren sits and listens to the spiel, though he already knows how this goes, how this ends. He hears the words a million times before the man at the podium says them.

Eren Jaeger, the enemy of humanity.

No. That's Willy Tybur's voice.

He forces himself to focus on this man, condemning the island and its people to hatred and death. It disgusts him. He wants to care about the Eldian refugees. He does care about them on some faraway level; he recognises that they're also victims. But no one and nothing matters as much to him as the handful of people from Paradis scattered around this room (and Historia, who of course can't be here).

The applause soars around them and he finds it deafening.

These people are condemning themselves by condemning the island, and they have no idea. It's easy to hate the people in this room, cheering for the death of everyone he loves, simply for the crime of being born where and how they were. He can't take it. He wanted this to be different. It was the last chance in his head.

He sets his hat back and and slides out of the row. He sat on the end for a reason, after all, and here it is.

From here he can just leave. He doesn't dare to look back, not at Mikasa's worried face or Armin's slightly horrified one.

Not at Levi, sitting stoic as always a few rows away from them. Eren isn't as strong as he pretends; his resolve could crack open. Mikasa had almost managed it, but in the end her silence was as loud as these cheers.

No one is looking (as far as he knows) as he walks into the hallway, the first intractable steps that will end only when the world does.

[That damn brat.

["No one is looking" - wrong. It's been Levi's job to keep his eyes on Eren Jaeger since he first stumbled into the Scout Regiment - all fire and no brain. Some things never change, huh?

[At least Levi is a little more subtle about making his exit. When you gotta piss, you gotta piss, right? As if anyone on their side is going to have anything to say about it.

[He catches Eren in the hallway with a firm - very firm - unassuming hand on the shoulder. He doesn't say a word - yet; just guides him in the direction of what he's already vetted as an empty room (good to know where a few of those are).

[In a low voice, inches from Eren's ear:]

Keep your mouth shut.

[And with that, he will attempt to lead Eren into said room, closing the door behind them.]

[ Eren is so wrapped up in his own shit, the macro view of things, that sometimes he just forgets the smaller picture. He thinks he knows all of it but he never does, he never has. Even Eren can't see everything.

He starts at the hand on his shoulder, eyes wide.

A dozen ways to fight his way out — and zero ways to talk, of course — flash through his head. He knows fighting here isn't viable, gives away who they are, puts everyone in danger yet again, but...

Levi's voice doesn't calm him in the slightest, but it does reset his fight or fight harder reflex. He tells himself he didn't notice because Ackerman something but that's a lame ass excuse. He didn't notice because he wasn't fucking paying attention, too focused on the next step to solidify this one.

Gears spin in his already confused head.

He can't and wouldn't fight Levi, not today and not ever. That leaves words, a way to convince the captain...what? Of the truth? Of a lie? Of a lie for now until he can get away like he planned, like he needs to? It's true he doesn't know the timing. He knows Zeke has less time than he does. He already warned Historia of his plans.

There is no other way this ends.

The door closes behind them and he turns to look at Levi. He wants to school his face into something blank and unreadable but he hasn't perfected that skill yet. Instead, he chews the inside of his cheek hard enough to bleed and lies to himself about how it was an accident and not a line of defence.

He would never fight the captain but there are a hundred other people all around them that he still feels sick about having to kill eventually. That won't stop him, though. ]

Captain. You shouldn't have followed me.

[ Not you didn't have to, but you shouldn't have. ]

I thought I said to keep your mouth shut.

[With this, he delivers a sharp kick to one of Eren's shins.]

Just what the Hell do you think you're doing? [He doesn't raise his voice. Why?]

We are in hostile territory, Jaeger. You think you can just get up and leave whenever you feel like it?

[He points to a chair a few feet away.]

Sit down. Now.

[ Eren winces. Even when he's not trying, Levi's kicks hurt. He frowns, but has the good sense (for the next five seconds) not to protest.

He starts to open his mouth to say whatever bullshit excuse tumbles out, but shuts it again. No. Levi is too perceptive. Eren has to be smarter than he usually is. What a pain in the ass.

He glances at the chair, momentarily uncomprehending. What's the point of this? They could wait outside. They could slide back in — no, that might be more obvious. No one is really paying attention to them, but who knows what could give them away?

Yes, sir.

[ He says it and he's polite but there's a hint of teenage petulance in his tone. He's still Eren, after all, and despite being half-mad for the past year and change, he's got a ways left before he has only hollow anger left.

He sits, staring at his hands, still not trusting himself to full on meet the captain's eyes. He has to get out of here. He can't let anyone break him down, not even Levi. Not when they're this close. How close, though? How long does he stay in Marley? How long does it take Paradis to build the metal flying thing? How long until the end of the world? He still doesn't know. He races through thoughts and memories but getting things in exact time is impossible.

He can feel how unfocused he is and clenches a fist tight enough to hurt. Here. Now.

Levi, following him out of a room.

He doesn't look up. ]

[Eren's odd behavior has been bothering Levi for quite a while now. Not because it makes him angry; it does, at times - just one more annoying thing about this bratty kid that he's come to care so deeply for. But, no. It's really not anger. It's a deep and rotting sort of concern that Levi just doesn't care for.

[The fire in Eren Jaeger's stormy green eyes has started to dwindle. Soon, Levi fears it will go out entirely.

[The thing is, he's not about to let that happen.]

Eren.

[His voice commands attention as it always does, but the edge has dwindled from a blade to a razor.]

Look at me.

[ Eren's shoulders tense at that tone, an order that demands an answer. He can resist (maybe) for awhile, rail against authority like he often does. But what's the point? They're in a dangerous place and he can't make it worse.

He won't put any of them in more danger than he has to until he has no choice. He's tired of people bleeding and dying for him.

Because of him, that's a different thing. But for him...no. Only one more time, he thinks, somewhat naively.

His shoulders stay set like that for a moment. He takes a breath and lifts his chin. His eyes take longer to follow, dragging up from where he looks at his hands on his knees, one still clenched tightly. ]

What is it, Captain?

[ He hopes he seems calmer than he does. ]

Tell my why you’re running.

[ Eren's eyes go wide for a second before he gets that under control again but of course it's too late to not be noticed. ]

I'm not running. I...didn't wanna listen to that bullshit anymore.

[ That's somewhat true. He didn't, and who would? But that wasn't his motivation for leaving. Running. ]

[Right.]

Do I look stupid to you?

Try again, brat.

[ Eren's frown returns. ]

Of course not.

[ Try again. Reroll. Find a different outcome.

There never is one, but this is still unexpected. ]

I can't stay here anymore.

[ The truth — a truth — but not all of it. ]

[Progress, at least. Levi feels tired. He's come to know Eren pretty well, sure - how couldn't he have? But there's always been something under the surface that's been cause for concern; it seems to have only gotten worse.

[Loss looms. He won't allow it.

[So he shifts from angry Captain to something calmer, more willing to listen instead of bark orders. Maybe it will keep Eren from withdrawing again. Maybe.]

Not that you have much of a choice, kid, but I'm listening. So. Why?

[ Eren is aware that Levi is one of the hardest people to fool. He pays a lot of attention behind that stoic mask. And Eren pays attention to him, too — too much, probably.

He could never intimidate Levi. He can only provoke him a little, not far enough, not enough for...

The only thing he thinks would ever get Levi to give up on him is a total shutdown. He doesn't know how to manage that. Someday. But not today, too close to seeing those children here alive and laughing, horrified by his apology even in a language they don’t speak.

Why had he saved that kid? Maybe just because he's not as unforgivable a monster as he will become? He can't even say. He doesn't really know.

Back in this room, Levi's voice is softer, not anger or a threat. Eren's heart snags on that tone.

Fuck. Fuck, this isn't supposed to go like this. Is it? ]

These people will kill us the first chance they get.

[ His other hand clenches too. ]

That's all they've ever planned to do, since before we were even born. Karl Fritz, the Reiss family, they would just let us all die.

[ A complicated mix of emotions passes over his face, maybe a welcome change to the weird distance he's had going on since the medal ceremony. Anger. Despair. Fear. More anger. ]

You're right. I don’t have a choice.

[ He says this now but he's been yelling freedom his whole life. He'll go back to that, maybe immediately, this hypocrisy beginning to twist itself up in knots in his head. ]

I can't watch you die. I won't.

[ Whether he means you as in "all of you" or just Levi himself, it's all the same. ]

[Levi can't quite tell what exactly "you" is supposed to encompass either. He'd be lying if he pretended that Eren didn't have a particular connection with him; that's been true since they first met, even with Levi setting boundaries. Eren looks a bit more like himself, at least, with his fists clenching, and words - honest words - actually coming out of his mouth.]

There's no telling the future, Eren. [Little does he know.]

I'm not saying you're wrong. We'd all be dumbasses not to think the same. That's why you shouldn't be wandering off on your own here.

And that's why we're here. No one knows the next step yet - we're working on it. Learn some patience and have a little faith in your superiors, why don't you?

[ Eren chews on his lip for a second. He can't possibly tell Levi the whole truth. Not only is it absolutely insane, both in sound and the actual experience of it, but he really doesn't think the captain would believe him. He doesn't think anyone would. Even if they did, if they knew, how could they do anything but hate him?

That's the goal, in the end. They can't take him down if they don't hate him, he naively thinks. It's nonsense to think he can make any of them hate him, but he has no other way to figure it, to parse the horrible future.

He just shakes his head. He's absolutely certain of his words when he answers. ]

I'm not gonna die here.

[ Faith in your superiors. It isn't that he has none. But Levi also once told him he had to choose whether to trust the people around him or trust his own power. Make a decision and live with it. Relying on other people just means other people end up dead, over and over again.

Eren still sees himself as weak, though. He can't do anything without leaning on someone else. Levi. Hange. Armin and Mikasa. Historia. Even Jean.

Zeke, he thinks, though really he just plans to use Zeke before Zeke can use him. ]

I do have faith in you. More than anyone.

[ That's more or less true. Levi is the strongest person he can think of even without being a titan. Sure, Eren's view of him is biased, still gilded in the hero worship he'd had before they ever met. He's not entirely incorrect, though. ]

Can't you have faith in me too? I know what I'm talking about. I know that they'll come. They won't stop with ships. They have more titans, too. Not just Reiner.

[ He avoids mentioning the Beast, knowing Levi's hate on for Zeke. But if Zeke stays on Marley's side, that's more decimation. He knows Zeke has no love for Marley, though; he's already heard that from Yelena. Zeke wants to kill their own people.

Eren can't abide it, but he'll pretend until he gets what he wants.

Still, looking at Levi now, he wavers. There's more he could say, more he wants to say, words stuck in his throat that he's afraid of. He doesn't think he can change the future no matter what he does. But there are things he has never said that he can't take back once he does. ]

Captain. How many people do you think have to die to keep the island safe?

[ If I kill all our enemies across the sea, will we finally be free? ]

[To Levi's credit, he listens. Eren's certainty is unsettling, just like so many things about him; this certainty, however, feels unlike the reckless hubris of the kid who dreamt of being a Scout. He's almost talking as though he can see the future, and with all Eren can supposedly do, maybe Levi shouldn't be surprised...But it still seems too farfetched to entertain for too long.

[Still...]

Seems almost like you want to answer that question, Eren.

For what it's worth, we have put our faith in you. [Far too many times. He's just a damn kid, and he's starting to crack under the pressure. Levi should have seen it coming; did, maybe, but had no room to intervene if it meant the extinction of humanity.

[But humanity's gotten bigger as of late.]

Go on, then. How many? [He seems scared. Just a scared, stupid kid with too much on his shoulders. It makes Levi's stomach churn.]

[ Eren feels his stomach lurch a little at that. We have put our faith in you. Maybe he knows it, but to hear it from Levi, it gnaws at him. He doesn't deserve their faith. Maybe he never did, all things considered, all the terrible consequences of his life that spiralled out from the future and the past at once. He hadn't known.

(He had always known, somewhere hidden. He used to wake up crying.)

He drops his gaze. It's too much to look at Levi's face (no bandages, he reminds himself, no injuries whose origin is still a mystery to him, just Levi's unscarred beautiful face). How can he tell the truth to someone he has to betray so entirely?

But he does it anyway, the truth dropping out of his mouth before he can think better. ]

All of them. Every last one.

[There's a moment where the sound of a pin dropping would rattle the walls like thunder. Levi's eyes narrow, gaze sharpening like a knife. He stares at Eren like a master staring down a misbehaved dog.]

No.

[It's not a matter of what Eren's capable of - surely not that (all of them - all of them?), but with the certainty of his tone, and the weight of those six final words.]

Consider that a goddamn order, Jaeger.

You don't get to lose your mind and go on a blind killing spree just because the world pissed you off. [Yeah. He'll call that one right out. No big fucking mystery.]

[ Eren holds his breath in the silence. He's not sure what he's expecting, really. Of course Levi of all people would never condone the murder of so many people. Levi cares about humanity in a way Eren never has and really never can. ]

I wasn't asking permission, Captain.

[ He shouldn't push it, talk back, get Levi pissed off at him. More pissed off at him. But also…he wasn't asking. It's already over. It happened. It's happening right now in the future he cannot seem to change. ]

I haven't lost my mind. I can't find another way. There's nothing blind about it. I can…see too much.

[ Does he explain what that means? No. He's not really in the business of explaining himself these days. This conversation with Levi is closer than he's come. ]

[If Eren isn't asking permission, then he sure as hell shouldn't be calling Levi "Captain".

[He's going to defect. The realization leaves Levi's stomach in knots. All this time, he's been Eren's superior; more than that, the person in charge of putting the dog down once it can't control its bite.

[But it's more than that. It's always been more than that, no matter how much Levi tries to deny it.

[Barking orders, kicking Eren into submission - that might have worked once. There's a sinking sensation that that won't be the case from here on out.]

Eren.

[That calm, grounding voice again. He isn't just saying the kid's name. He's saying "Eren" like it means something - means something to him. There's weight to it - terrible weight. Levi doesn't try to hide it for once.]

Slow down and talk to me. Tell me what you mean.

I'm on your side.

I know.

[ Later, Eren won't be able to pinpoint what exact thing it was that made him break. But here in the moment, it's just this:

Eren.

(He hears it in another tone, another place. Eren. Captain. The cold metal of the airship. A boot in his face.)

He hears it in this room, a conversation he didn't foresee, with a tone he thinks he might be imagining.

But he doesn't answer directly. He can't find the words yet.

He looks up again, though, eyebrows pulled together, troubled green eyes searching for an answer he's afraid to hear. ]

Captain. What are we? You and me?

[ But surely he knows this answer. There is no you and me here. Eren still doesn't say Levi's name; he has never said it to the man's face, and has never said it without a title attached.

He just basically admitted he would defect, but this exact moment, they are still what they've always been: a superior officer and a brat that doesn't follow orders. A man and a monster.

They have never just been Levi and Eren, no matter what Eren might have dreamed before the world expanded and ruined him. ]

[It's a question that's never quite been asked before, let alone so explicitly. Levi's gotta admit - Eren's got some balls for that one; then again, as far as Levi can tell, he's also got nothing to lose.

[He could lie. He could say that Eren was nothing more to him than one more brat he has to keep watch of. He'd like to think Eren wouldn't believe that by now, but this is a tenuous situation; the kids emotions aren't anywhere near in check (are they ever?).

[He could deflect. He could turn them back to the topic at hand, demand answers. He could patronize Eren - talk of comrades and teamwork and what it means to be a Scout-- Yeah, yeah, yeah. That ship clearly sailed a long time ago ~~(and this one's about to boyyy)~~.

[He could tell the truth. He could admit that stolen glances and the brushing of hands made him see Eren Jaeger in a startling new light. He could speak of Eren's passion, the look in his eyes when he used to long for something. He could mention the dreams of strange, faraway places where "Levi" and "Eren" meant seeing someone for the first time and being certain you'd always known them. He could tell the truth, he could tell the truth, he could tell the truth.

[Maybe that's what it'll take.]

Maybe we should start with what it is you want, Eren.

Not from the world. From me.

I'm listening.

[ Eren doesn't have anything to lose. He's already lost it, himself, his friends, his life.

The world, on the other hand, has everything to lose, all the lives he has condemned and all the burned earth left behind in the wake of millions of searing titan feet. As far as Eren knows, they've already lost, too.

But not yet, not today. ]

It doesn't matter what I want.

[ He thought it did, once, but in the end it had never mattered.

Levi says he's listening, though, and…well, fuck it. What's the worst thing that could really happen? Nothing will ever be as bad as that horrible future waiting for them. No matter what Levi says here, even if he laughs in Eren's face, it won't be as bad as that.

He doesn't really think Levi of all people would laugh at him, though. That's not his style. ]

But I…

[ What can he say? That he's been in love with Levi since before they met? That he wanted to be like him, back when he thought he actually could be? That even with scars he'll always be beautiful? That he's sorry?

At least when he finds words again, they're still the truth. ]

To stay by your side, Captain. To matter to you. That's what I've always wanted from you.

[It's not...exactly what Levi is expecting. "To matter to you." That's the part that's really throwing him; not because he doesn't understand the sentiment, but because he'd thought that that much must be obvious.

[Of course he matters to him. All of his Scouts matter to Levi. He knows he's a hard ass, but has he really come off so coldly that Eren thinks he's just a piece of canon fodder to him?

[There's some shame to that idea.

[Because he has been holding back. And Eren does matter. And Levi has drawn a line in the sand where a subordinate is a subordinate and a Captain is a Captain. Yeah. The more he thinks about it, the more it makes sense. Eren must have always thought that his love was one-sided; Levi never let him believe anything else.

[And now he's about to lose him.]

Then stay by my side, Eren.

[His voice comes out a fraction softer than normal; genuine. It's not an order. It may as well be a plea for how Levi feels at the moment.]

You do matter. [Cut the shit, Levi. He could walk out that door at any minute.] To me.

[ Eren is visibly surprised by Levi's answer. He's not sure what he'd been expecting. Rejection, probably. Some hesitation, maybe? But even that had seemed hopeful.

In all of his idea of future and (lack of) possibility, he never let himself truly think that Levi cared about him as more than a subordinate. Levi cares about a lot of people; that's not obvious if you don't know him, but Eren has long realised that under his shit jokes and rough manner, Levi cares a whole hell of a lot.

He just never thought it was all that personal. It was too much to hope for.

Now, he reaches for one of Levi's hands with both of his. He's never been subtle or hesitant; that's just not how Eren is. Given an inch, he'll take ten miles. This is him holding back. ]

I'm going to die, Captain. I've been dead since the day we met.

[ There's anguish in those words. They're true, but fuck he wants things to be different. If he stays, he will damn the island to destruction. And he will die anyway, because that's the fate of titan shifters. If he stays, he will damn the world to more war, more fear of Eldians.

They will never be safe.

They will always be running.

But one of his shitty truths is that Eren does not really care about the future, not in a grand sense. He wants Levi and the others to live long lives. He wants them to be happy (as if killing the world would ever accomplish that?). He will not accept Zeke's genocide, the end of all Eldians, the inability for any of them to have kids if they want to.

Beyond that, though? That's not really his problem or his concern.

For the first time in a long time, he thinks about what it would mean in a personal sense, to stay. ]

[Ever bold, Eren takes Levi's hand in his - both of his, almost as if he were the one pleading. Levi allows it; that's his version of holding back. They don't touch often. When they do, it's usually because Levi is hauling Eren's ass away from a titan's maw.

[It's an affirmation in its own right, the way that touch feels. Those faraway dreams feel closer than ever. "Eren" and "Levi".

[A thumb brushes over the back of Eren's hand. Levi doesn't realize until he feels it himself.]

We're all gonna die. [As if Levi hasn't lost enough. Eren's words pierce him - of course they do. But his lifespan running out doesn't change anything; the way Levi feels, or what Eren wants - what they both want.]

You're not dead yet. Be pretty shitty of you to throw away what you've got left.

It doesn't matter, Eren. This is what you want, right? [Hand in inhumanly warm hand.]

I'm telling you you can have it. [It's a gamble. If Eren's mind is made up, and the power of The Founding Titan is more than Levi could have imagined, then all this could easily be for nothing.

[But if Levi's silence is what made Eren leave, he'd never be able to forgive himself.]

[ Levi's thumb brushes Eren's hand and he knows he's lost. But for the first time in — months? years? ages? — he feels found, tethered here in the present by something he's only ever entertained in private fantasy. Even then, it's been awhile since he dared.

He hears his father's voice saying only Eren will get what he wants. Funny, to think that he wanted that end of the world.

He did. He does. The world is a grim disappointment. The world will tear them all limb from limb.

He doesn't. He doesn't want to murder those children. He doesn't want Levi to look at him with disdain, to give up on him. He needs those things to happen, but he does not yet want them.

He wants this: his hand grasping Levi's like a lifeline. The captain's admission that there is more between them than just duty. The idea of a future they can't actually have, a place where there is no war and no Marley and they can have peace.

He will never have peace. But he can pretend for a minute, a day, a year. For Levi, he will crush the world. For Levi, he will stay his hand. ]

This is what I want.

[ He whispers that, but it's fervent, all his devotion, his rage, his teenage bullshit tied up in a sentence. ]

I don’t know how to change the future. I'll try again.

[There's a deep breath, but Levi pulls it in slowly enough that there's not much attention drawn.

[This is a bad idea.]

The future isn't set in stone. [His thumb brushes over the back of Eren's hand again. He wants to be closer. He wants to know what it feels like to touch him without restraint.

[But he can't rush this.]

It seems you're capable of something you haven't told us. Am I getting that right?

[ Levi might have restraint, but Eren has never had any. As far as he's concerned, the only time he's shown restraint (which he has a hard time separating from hesitation in his thought process), people have died trying to save him. There is no life or death stake here in this room (except maybe the whole world, whatever), but everything in Eren's mind is so heightened anyway.

I'm going to die, Captain.

Neither of them is dead yet, though.

He lifts Levi's hand and presses his lips to the back of it, avoiding the question. ]

You have no idea what I'm capable of.

[ He finally says that just above Levi's hand, loud enough to be heard, but only just.

That isn't fair, of course. Levi has always seen through him. Levi knew he was a monster when they met, titan transformation aside. ]

[No. No, he really doesn't know what Eren's capable of. Never fully has, really. He's theorized; agonized on the bad days. But the kid is as much of a mystery as he's ever been; more so now than ever.

[And he's pressing his lips to the back of Levi's hand. "This is what you want, right? I'm telling you you can have it." Never one to waste time, Eren.

[It's so beautifully, terrifyingly easy to shift his hand just enough that he can cup Eren's cheek. His face is warm. Eren isn't dead yet.

[It's impossible, he realizes, to keep his voice harsh with the boy's face resting against his palm. So he doesn't.]

I'm gonna learn quick. Because you're gonna tell me.

And we're gonna figure this shit out. Like we always do.

Edited 2023-12-02 07:30 (UTC)

[ Eren tries only superficially to resist the urge to lean into Levi's hand. In the end it's a sort of compromise. He turns his face towards that touch. Is he condemning the island just for this touch?

Maybe. ]

I don't know how. If I tell you, you'll look at me different.

[ And after this, he's not sure he can stomach that. ]

I tried to figure it out. There's no other way, Captain. If I don't leave, we're all fucked.

[ And if he does, they're also all fucked, so hey. ]

Did you hear what I just said?

[Some of that telltale harshness returns to his voice, but it's only for the sake of being firm. It's the only way Levi knows how to reassure, which is at least part of the intention. Eren's cheek is warm against his palm. He doesn't pull it away.]

You know, Eren. The thing about trying to do everything yourself? You've only got one brain working for you. [Which he will not insult by calling it a stupid one for the time being.]

I know what I told you. I haven't forgotten.

When push comes to shove, you decide what you decide, and you have to live with that.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't utilize your resources. You're not alone, shithead. Let's keep it that way.

[An unspoken "please" seizes Levi's heart. He's held Eren Jaeger's face in his hand now. There's no way he can just sit back and watch him leave. Not now, not ever.]

[ One brain and everyone else's memories, which is really the problem. ]

I heard you.

[ Of course Eren hasn't forgotten those words either, though he's twisted the meaning in his head. He has to rely on himself, on his own decisions, his own power. Though unlike Levi has said, Eren can see the outcome. It's just such a terrible one. ]

But…

[ He sucks in a long breath through his nose and puffs all out his mouth again at once, hot air against the part of Levi's hand right there by his mouth. ]

I can't change the future. I don't think anyone can.

[ He hasn't quite reached tell the captain what's going on stage but he's shuffling around to it. Probably. Maybe. ]

You sure as hell can't if you don't try.

[ Something tinged with anger flashes across Eren's face. ]

What makes you think I haven't tried? I have. Nothing ever makes a difference. You heard those people in there! I told you, they'll come kill us.

[ He realises he's starting to raise his voice. Not only does he not want someone to come barging in here. He doesn't want to yell at Levi, not really. He's not mad at Levi.

He's only mad at himself.

Well, and the whole rest of the world, whatever. ]

I told you. I told you how many people have to die for you to be safe.

[ Not us. It still isn't us, can never be us. He wants it to be, though. That's why he's still in this room. ]

Back up, Eren. [All things considered, coming from Levi, it's nearly a gentle tone. Idly, he shifts his hand to run his knuckles over Eren's cheek instead. "Eren" and "Levi".]

Don't get excited. [He feels like telling Eren to start from the beginning - let's sort this out right now - but they don't have much longer to hide away in here, and with the time they have...

[Let them both have this for a moment.]

As soon as we can, we're gonna sit down and sort out all the shit in your head. For now, just calm down a minute.

[ Eren already knows there's no doing that, no sorting through it, no working it out. There never can be. There never was, never will be.

But he takes a breath anyway. Levi's hand is still here on his face and the world is out there.

Was there ever a chance it could have been this? Eren and Levi against the world? He wishes. But Levi would never in a million lifetimes see this Eren's way. Levi cares too much.

Eren loves that about him, though. That's why this is supposed to hurt. But he stays here, just…breathing. ]

Okay, Captain.

[ Let them have this: Levi's knuckles against his face (they could be harsh or soft and he'd take it all the same), Eren turning into his touch again like he can't bear to do anything else, one of Eren's hands grasped in the fabric of Levi's jacket (not like his regular uniform, something different, more formal, too bad Eren's messing it up like he messes everything up). ]

We can't stay here though.

[ We, this time. Not I. ]

No. [A muttered agreement. Something makes the room feel too quiet to raise his voice. He could say that its the need to be discreet, but that hadn't stopped him before; no, it isn't that at all. It's Eren's hand, gripping his uniform; it's Levi's hand, stroking the boy's face.

[They should go - rejoin the others, get back to business as usual. But Levi doesn't know when they'll be alone like this again.

[With his other hand, he tucks a finger under Eren's chin, lifting it. He wants to meet his eyes - grey watching that lovely green, unlike anything Levi's ever seen.

["I'm telling you you can have it."

[This first. Then they move forward, whatever that means - together.

[He leans in, the hand against Eren's cheek shifting to cup it. Levi kisses Eren - no Captains, no subordinates. "Levi" and "Eren".]

[ Eren is surprised enough that he's completely still for a moment.

Time spins around him, all the futures he wants and cannot have, the future that is looming in the distance, that is happening right now, oceans of blood.

Levi's face in bandages.

Eren's face missing an eye.

The same injuries, mirrored, perhaps some sick sort of penance for the unknown fate that awaits a man he loves too much.

Eren's eyes flick up, wide and green and alive, meeting stormy grey. Then Levi is actually kissing him and nothing else matters.

This is how they lose the war.

If he asks Levi to run, will he do it? He doesn't think so but he lets himself dream it for the split second of stretched out time that hangs in the air.

He finally lets go of Levi's jacket and reaches up, fingers against the back of his neck, tracing up into the shortest part of the undercut. He's wondered what it would feel like to brush his hands over those shaved pieces. Now he doesn't have to wonder.

Eren will always take more than he is given and that's true here too. He's kissed people before, sure, but somehow this feels different to him. He's thought about this a zillion times, sometimes in a hazy nonspecific way and sometimes in embarrassing detail. But the reality is always different, isn't it?

He parts his lips almost immediately, leaning up to demand more. He's still sitting down and the only way to get leverage is to stand. He doesn't dare. He's afraid if he does he'll break whatever spell is cast between them.

When he stands up and walks out of this room, it's still Captain. (It's still Captain in his mind, but that word means different things to him in different thoughts.)

Levi. Eren.

Us, he thinks. Humanity's strongest. Humanity's "hope." Maybe they will find another way after all.

He knows they won't, but please. If only. ]

[They will. They have to. Especially now. Especially now.

[Parted lips plead for more from Levi; he delivers. Rarely has he been in the position of standing above someone while they kiss, but with Eren seated, he has all the leverage he needs. Leaning down, he deepens the kiss, his free hand coming up to brush through Eren's hair, fingers bending to grasp, caress. His hand settles at the nape of the boy's neck.

[It feels profound. That's the only word that fits; still, it doesn't do it justice. It's more than release. There's freedom to this moment - such terrible, intoxicating freedom.

["Freedom" which Eren cares so much about. Levi wonders if he can feel it too.]

[ There aren't many people that Eren would let touch his neck at all. It's his biggest physical weakness, after all. And Levi is the deadliest when it comes to killing titans. But Levi touching his neck like this, steady and real, while they kiss, is everything he wants.

Well. Not everything. In this moment, it's enough.

It should be him, Eren thinks. Not Armin. Not Mikasa. Not a gunshot from across the yard. It should always have been Levi. What a morbid thought to have in the middle of this unexpected intimacy, one of the only things in the past year and change that has truly taken Eren by surprise.

Despite all of his yelling about it, Eren knows now the awful truth that he has never been free. They were not free inside the walls. They are not free outside the walls. Eren himself is bound by a fate of his own making, a fate of the world twisting him in knots, the consequence of a boy with too much rage and too much power, generational trauma spiralling outward. He will consume the whole world with that fate. A slave to his freedom.

But.

There is now this choice. Are they damning everyone on the island? Probably. Is there another way, something between eradication of Paradis and eradication of the world? Eren thinks — knows — there is not.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter! Eren holds on to Levi like a lifeline and kisses him like he will never get to kiss anyone again.

It is freeing, though, to make a different choice, something he had not foreseen. Levi told him once to make a choice and live with it. So he does.

Eventually even titan shifters have to breathe and he gasps softly with the intake of air, still holding on and unwilling to let go. ]

What do we do now? I don't want you to die.

[ That's his fear, after all. He doesn't really care if the island gets wrecked. The Rumbling would wreck half of it anyway. He cares about Levi, and his other friends, the closeknit family that was left after Zeke killed pretty much all the Scouts. They have to live. Most of them, if not all of them, have to live. ]

[It ends all too soon - ever too soon. Eren parts from him for a breath, and Levi echoes it, grey eyes remaining closed for a long, lingering moment. Gently, affectionately, slender fingers still comb through Eren's short hair, savoring that feeling of closeness, closeness, closeness with the boy he couldn't bear to be close to.

[Levi doesn't know the Hell that Eren faces in his own mind, but it's clear now, at least, that there is one. He wants to understand - needs to understand, in fact, because a difference must be made, a solution must be found. This fight won't end on the grounds of defeatism. He won't allow it. He can't.

[Especially now.]

We need to get back. [His voice, for what it's worth, is gentle.]

When it's safe, I'll meet with you. We'll figure out what to do next.

I need you to trust me until then.

[ Eren wonders for a minute what Levi's fingers would feel like in longer hair, something he will never have the luxury of knowing.

Or will he? ]

We'll never be safe, Captain.

[ That isn't what Levi meant, and Eren knows it. He says it all the same. His views on the world haven't changed, but he's agreed to stop, to stay here.

To be Eren and Levi, when they can, for the short moments that matter more than the horrors they still face. ]

Of course I trust you.

[ Levi is maybe the most trustworthy person Eren can think of. Eren isn't trustworthy, not now, but he'll make an attempt to be, staving off his apocalypse for as long as he can.

Eren has always chosen the few over the many, and this isn't all that different. ]

We can go back.

open post;

Mouthpiece of the dead, or of some god or other.

YESSS also pls excuse this entire novel orz

Novel it UP live your BEST life

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5 years later sob

4 MORE years later l-lol

tagging every 4 months-

Hunger Games AU

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cries why did I only upload one smiling icon

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Armin - reincarnation AU

Hunger Games AU - after the reaping

1/2

2/2

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eremin turbohell ending 🤗

:')))))

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levi - the au where eren doesn't defect

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sorry he's a lunatic, he'll get it together in a bit

I sincerely doubt this /lighthearted

LISTEN, you're completely right /craughs

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