dreamsofwings | open post;

[ Eren's eyes go wide for a second before he gets that under control again but of course it's too late to not be noticed. ]

I'm not running. I...didn't wanna listen to that bullshit anymore.

[ That's somewhat true. He didn't, and who would? But that wasn't his motivation for leaving. Running. ]

[Right.]

Do I look stupid to you?

Try again, brat.

[ Eren's frown returns. ]

Of course not.

[ Try again. Reroll. Find a different outcome.

There never is one, but this is still unexpected. ]

I can't stay here anymore.

[ The truth — a truth — but not all of it. ]

[Progress, at least. Levi feels tired. He's come to know Eren pretty well, sure - how couldn't he have? But there's always been something under the surface that's been cause for concern; it seems to have only gotten worse.

[Loss looms. He won't allow it.

[So he shifts from angry Captain to something calmer, more willing to listen instead of bark orders. Maybe it will keep Eren from withdrawing again. Maybe.]

Not that you have much of a choice, kid, but I'm listening. So. Why?

[ Eren is aware that Levi is one of the hardest people to fool. He pays a lot of attention behind that stoic mask. And Eren pays attention to him, too — too much, probably.

He could never intimidate Levi. He can only provoke him a little, not far enough, not enough for...

The only thing he thinks would ever get Levi to give up on him is a total shutdown. He doesn't know how to manage that. Someday. But not today, too close to seeing those children here alive and laughing, horrified by his apology even in a language they don’t speak.

Why had he saved that kid? Maybe just because he's not as unforgivable a monster as he will become? He can't even say. He doesn't really know.

Back in this room, Levi's voice is softer, not anger or a threat. Eren's heart snags on that tone.

Fuck. Fuck, this isn't supposed to go like this. Is it? ]

These people will kill us the first chance they get.

[ His other hand clenches too. ]

That's all they've ever planned to do, since before we were even born. Karl Fritz, the Reiss family, they would just let us all die.

[ A complicated mix of emotions passes over his face, maybe a welcome change to the weird distance he's had going on since the medal ceremony. Anger. Despair. Fear. More anger. ]

You're right. I don’t have a choice.

[ He says this now but he's been yelling freedom his whole life. He'll go back to that, maybe immediately, this hypocrisy beginning to twist itself up in knots in his head. ]

I can't watch you die. I won't.

[ Whether he means you as in "all of you" or just Levi himself, it's all the same. ]

[Levi can't quite tell what exactly "you" is supposed to encompass either. He'd be lying if he pretended that Eren didn't have a particular connection with him; that's been true since they first met, even with Levi setting boundaries. Eren looks a bit more like himself, at least, with his fists clenching, and words - honest words - actually coming out of his mouth.]

There's no telling the future, Eren. [Little does he know.]

I'm not saying you're wrong. We'd all be dumbasses not to think the same. That's why you shouldn't be wandering off on your own here.

And that's why we're here. No one knows the next step yet - we're working on it. Learn some patience and have a little faith in your superiors, why don't you?

[ Eren chews on his lip for a second. He can't possibly tell Levi the whole truth. Not only is it absolutely insane, both in sound and the actual experience of it, but he really doesn't think the captain would believe him. He doesn't think anyone would. Even if they did, if they knew, how could they do anything but hate him?

That's the goal, in the end. They can't take him down if they don't hate him, he naively thinks. It's nonsense to think he can make any of them hate him, but he has no other way to figure it, to parse the horrible future.

He just shakes his head. He's absolutely certain of his words when he answers. ]

I'm not gonna die here.

[ Faith in your superiors. It isn't that he has none. But Levi also once told him he had to choose whether to trust the people around him or trust his own power. Make a decision and live with it. Relying on other people just means other people end up dead, over and over again.

Eren still sees himself as weak, though. He can't do anything without leaning on someone else. Levi. Hange. Armin and Mikasa. Historia. Even Jean.

Zeke, he thinks, though really he just plans to use Zeke before Zeke can use him. ]

I do have faith in you. More than anyone.

[ That's more or less true. Levi is the strongest person he can think of even without being a titan. Sure, Eren's view of him is biased, still gilded in the hero worship he'd had before they ever met. He's not entirely incorrect, though. ]

Can't you have faith in me too? I know what I'm talking about. I know that they'll come. They won't stop with ships. They have more titans, too. Not just Reiner.

[ He avoids mentioning the Beast, knowing Levi's hate on for Zeke. But if Zeke stays on Marley's side, that's more decimation. He knows Zeke has no love for Marley, though; he's already heard that from Yelena. Zeke wants to kill their own people.

Eren can't abide it, but he'll pretend until he gets what he wants.

Still, looking at Levi now, he wavers. There's more he could say, more he wants to say, words stuck in his throat that he's afraid of. He doesn't think he can change the future no matter what he does. But there are things he has never said that he can't take back once he does. ]

Captain. How many people do you think have to die to keep the island safe?

[ If I kill all our enemies across the sea, will we finally be free? ]

[To Levi's credit, he listens. Eren's certainty is unsettling, just like so many things about him; this certainty, however, feels unlike the reckless hubris of the kid who dreamt of being a Scout. He's almost talking as though he can see the future, and with all Eren can supposedly do, maybe Levi shouldn't be surprised...But it still seems too farfetched to entertain for too long.

[Still...]

Seems almost like you want to answer that question, Eren.

For what it's worth, we have put our faith in you. [Far too many times. He's just a damn kid, and he's starting to crack under the pressure. Levi should have seen it coming; did, maybe, but had no room to intervene if it meant the extinction of humanity.

[But humanity's gotten bigger as of late.]

Go on, then. How many? [He seems scared. Just a scared, stupid kid with too much on his shoulders. It makes Levi's stomach churn.]

[ Eren feels his stomach lurch a little at that. We have put our faith in you. Maybe he knows it, but to hear it from Levi, it gnaws at him. He doesn't deserve their faith. Maybe he never did, all things considered, all the terrible consequences of his life that spiralled out from the future and the past at once. He hadn't known.

(He had always known, somewhere hidden. He used to wake up crying.)

He drops his gaze. It's too much to look at Levi's face (no bandages, he reminds himself, no injuries whose origin is still a mystery to him, just Levi's unscarred beautiful face). How can he tell the truth to someone he has to betray so entirely?

But he does it anyway, the truth dropping out of his mouth before he can think better. ]

All of them. Every last one.

[There's a moment where the sound of a pin dropping would rattle the walls like thunder. Levi's eyes narrow, gaze sharpening like a knife. He stares at Eren like a master staring down a misbehaved dog.]

No.

[It's not a matter of what Eren's capable of - surely not that (all of them - all of them?), but with the certainty of his tone, and the weight of those six final words.]

Consider that a goddamn order, Jaeger.

You don't get to lose your mind and go on a blind killing spree just because the world pissed you off. [Yeah. He'll call that one right out. No big fucking mystery.]

[ Eren holds his breath in the silence. He's not sure what he's expecting, really. Of course Levi of all people would never condone the murder of so many people. Levi cares about humanity in a way Eren never has and really never can. ]

I wasn't asking permission, Captain.

[ He shouldn't push it, talk back, get Levi pissed off at him. More pissed off at him. But also…he wasn't asking. It's already over. It happened. It's happening right now in the future he cannot seem to change. ]

I haven't lost my mind. I can't find another way. There's nothing blind about it. I can…see too much.

[ Does he explain what that means? No. He's not really in the business of explaining himself these days. This conversation with Levi is closer than he's come. ]

[If Eren isn't asking permission, then he sure as hell shouldn't be calling Levi "Captain".

[He's going to defect. The realization leaves Levi's stomach in knots. All this time, he's been Eren's superior; more than that, the person in charge of putting the dog down once it can't control its bite.

[But it's more than that. It's always been more than that, no matter how much Levi tries to deny it.

[Barking orders, kicking Eren into submission - that might have worked once. There's a sinking sensation that that won't be the case from here on out.]

Eren.

[That calm, grounding voice again. He isn't just saying the kid's name. He's saying "Eren" like it means something - means something to him. There's weight to it - terrible weight. Levi doesn't try to hide it for once.]

Slow down and talk to me. Tell me what you mean.

I'm on your side.

I know.

[ Later, Eren won't be able to pinpoint what exact thing it was that made him break. But here in the moment, it's just this:

Eren.

(He hears it in another tone, another place. Eren. Captain. The cold metal of the airship. A boot in his face.)

He hears it in this room, a conversation he didn't foresee, with a tone he thinks he might be imagining.

But he doesn't answer directly. He can't find the words yet.

He looks up again, though, eyebrows pulled together, troubled green eyes searching for an answer he's afraid to hear. ]

Captain. What are we? You and me?

[ But surely he knows this answer. There is no you and me here. Eren still doesn't say Levi's name; he has never said it to the man's face, and has never said it without a title attached.

He just basically admitted he would defect, but this exact moment, they are still what they've always been: a superior officer and a brat that doesn't follow orders. A man and a monster.

They have never just been Levi and Eren, no matter what Eren might have dreamed before the world expanded and ruined him. ]

[It's a question that's never quite been asked before, let alone so explicitly. Levi's gotta admit - Eren's got some balls for that one; then again, as far as Levi can tell, he's also got nothing to lose.

[He could lie. He could say that Eren was nothing more to him than one more brat he has to keep watch of. He'd like to think Eren wouldn't believe that by now, but this is a tenuous situation; the kids emotions aren't anywhere near in check (are they ever?).

[He could deflect. He could turn them back to the topic at hand, demand answers. He could patronize Eren - talk of comrades and teamwork and what it means to be a Scout-- Yeah, yeah, yeah. That ship clearly sailed a long time ago ~~(and this one's about to boyyy)~~.

[He could tell the truth. He could admit that stolen glances and the brushing of hands made him see Eren Jaeger in a startling new light. He could speak of Eren's passion, the look in his eyes when he used to long for something. He could mention the dreams of strange, faraway places where "Levi" and "Eren" meant seeing someone for the first time and being certain you'd always known them. He could tell the truth, he could tell the truth, he could tell the truth.

[Maybe that's what it'll take.]

Maybe we should start with what it is you want, Eren.

Not from the world. From me.

I'm listening.

[ Eren doesn't have anything to lose. He's already lost it, himself, his friends, his life.

The world, on the other hand, has everything to lose, all the lives he has condemned and all the burned earth left behind in the wake of millions of searing titan feet. As far as Eren knows, they've already lost, too.

But not yet, not today. ]

It doesn't matter what I want.

[ He thought it did, once, but in the end it had never mattered.

Levi says he's listening, though, and…well, fuck it. What's the worst thing that could really happen? Nothing will ever be as bad as that horrible future waiting for them. No matter what Levi says here, even if he laughs in Eren's face, it won't be as bad as that.

He doesn't really think Levi of all people would laugh at him, though. That's not his style. ]

But I…

[ What can he say? That he's been in love with Levi since before they met? That he wanted to be like him, back when he thought he actually could be? That even with scars he'll always be beautiful? That he's sorry?

At least when he finds words again, they're still the truth. ]

To stay by your side, Captain. To matter to you. That's what I've always wanted from you.

[It's not...exactly what Levi is expecting. "To matter to you." That's the part that's really throwing him; not because he doesn't understand the sentiment, but because he'd thought that that much must be obvious.

[Of course he matters to him. All of his Scouts matter to Levi. He knows he's a hard ass, but has he really come off so coldly that Eren thinks he's just a piece of canon fodder to him?

[There's some shame to that idea.

[Because he has been holding back. And Eren does matter. And Levi has drawn a line in the sand where a subordinate is a subordinate and a Captain is a Captain. Yeah. The more he thinks about it, the more it makes sense. Eren must have always thought that his love was one-sided; Levi never let him believe anything else.

[And now he's about to lose him.]

Then stay by my side, Eren.

[His voice comes out a fraction softer than normal; genuine. It's not an order. It may as well be a plea for how Levi feels at the moment.]

You do matter. [Cut the shit, Levi. He could walk out that door at any minute.] To me.

[ Eren is visibly surprised by Levi's answer. He's not sure what he'd been expecting. Rejection, probably. Some hesitation, maybe? But even that had seemed hopeful.

In all of his idea of future and (lack of) possibility, he never let himself truly think that Levi cared about him as more than a subordinate. Levi cares about a lot of people; that's not obvious if you don't know him, but Eren has long realised that under his shit jokes and rough manner, Levi cares a whole hell of a lot.

He just never thought it was all that personal. It was too much to hope for.

Now, he reaches for one of Levi's hands with both of his. He's never been subtle or hesitant; that's just not how Eren is. Given an inch, he'll take ten miles. This is him holding back. ]

I'm going to die, Captain. I've been dead since the day we met.

[ There's anguish in those words. They're true, but fuck he wants things to be different. If he stays, he will damn the island to destruction. And he will die anyway, because that's the fate of titan shifters. If he stays, he will damn the world to more war, more fear of Eldians.

They will never be safe.

They will always be running.

But one of his shitty truths is that Eren does not really care about the future, not in a grand sense. He wants Levi and the others to live long lives. He wants them to be happy (as if killing the world would ever accomplish that?). He will not accept Zeke's genocide, the end of all Eldians, the inability for any of them to have kids if they want to.

Beyond that, though? That's not really his problem or his concern.

For the first time in a long time, he thinks about what it would mean in a personal sense, to stay. ]

[Ever bold, Eren takes Levi's hand in his - both of his, almost as if he were the one pleading. Levi allows it; that's his version of holding back. They don't touch often. When they do, it's usually because Levi is hauling Eren's ass away from a titan's maw.

[It's an affirmation in its own right, the way that touch feels. Those faraway dreams feel closer than ever. "Eren" and "Levi".

[A thumb brushes over the back of Eren's hand. Levi doesn't realize until he feels it himself.]

We're all gonna die. [As if Levi hasn't lost enough. Eren's words pierce him - of course they do. But his lifespan running out doesn't change anything; the way Levi feels, or what Eren wants - what they both want.]

You're not dead yet. Be pretty shitty of you to throw away what you've got left.

It doesn't matter, Eren. This is what you want, right? [Hand in inhumanly warm hand.]

I'm telling you you can have it. [It's a gamble. If Eren's mind is made up, and the power of The Founding Titan is more than Levi could have imagined, then all this could easily be for nothing.

[But if Levi's silence is what made Eren leave, he'd never be able to forgive himself.]

[ Levi's thumb brushes Eren's hand and he knows he's lost. But for the first time in — months? years? ages? — he feels found, tethered here in the present by something he's only ever entertained in private fantasy. Even then, it's been awhile since he dared.

He hears his father's voice saying only Eren will get what he wants. Funny, to think that he wanted that end of the world.

He did. He does. The world is a grim disappointment. The world will tear them all limb from limb.

He doesn't. He doesn't want to murder those children. He doesn't want Levi to look at him with disdain, to give up on him. He needs those things to happen, but he does not yet want them.

He wants this: his hand grasping Levi's like a lifeline. The captain's admission that there is more between them than just duty. The idea of a future they can't actually have, a place where there is no war and no Marley and they can have peace.

He will never have peace. But he can pretend for a minute, a day, a year. For Levi, he will crush the world. For Levi, he will stay his hand. ]

This is what I want.

[ He whispers that, but it's fervent, all his devotion, his rage, his teenage bullshit tied up in a sentence. ]

I don’t know how to change the future. I'll try again.

[There's a deep breath, but Levi pulls it in slowly enough that there's not much attention drawn.

[This is a bad idea.]

The future isn't set in stone. [His thumb brushes over the back of Eren's hand again. He wants to be closer. He wants to know what it feels like to touch him without restraint.

[But he can't rush this.]

It seems you're capable of something you haven't told us. Am I getting that right?

[ Levi might have restraint, but Eren has never had any. As far as he's concerned, the only time he's shown restraint (which he has a hard time separating from hesitation in his thought process), people have died trying to save him. There is no life or death stake here in this room (except maybe the whole world, whatever), but everything in Eren's mind is so heightened anyway.

I'm going to die, Captain.

Neither of them is dead yet, though.

He lifts Levi's hand and presses his lips to the back of it, avoiding the question. ]

You have no idea what I'm capable of.

[ He finally says that just above Levi's hand, loud enough to be heard, but only just.

That isn't fair, of course. Levi has always seen through him. Levi knew he was a monster when they met, titan transformation aside. ]

[No. No, he really doesn't know what Eren's capable of. Never fully has, really. He's theorized; agonized on the bad days. But the kid is as much of a mystery as he's ever been; more so now than ever.

[And he's pressing his lips to the back of Levi's hand. "This is what you want, right? I'm telling you you can have it." Never one to waste time, Eren.

[It's so beautifully, terrifyingly easy to shift his hand just enough that he can cup Eren's cheek. His face is warm. Eren isn't dead yet.

[It's impossible, he realizes, to keep his voice harsh with the boy's face resting against his palm. So he doesn't.]

I'm gonna learn quick. Because you're gonna tell me.

And we're gonna figure this shit out. Like we always do.

Edited 2023-12-02 07:30 (UTC)

[ Eren tries only superficially to resist the urge to lean into Levi's hand. In the end it's a sort of compromise. He turns his face towards that touch. Is he condemning the island just for this touch?

Maybe. ]

I don't know how. If I tell you, you'll look at me different.

[ And after this, he's not sure he can stomach that. ]

I tried to figure it out. There's no other way, Captain. If I don't leave, we're all fucked.

[ And if he does, they're also all fucked, so hey. ]

Did you hear what I just said?

[Some of that telltale harshness returns to his voice, but it's only for the sake of being firm. It's the only way Levi knows how to reassure, which is at least part of the intention. Eren's cheek is warm against his palm. He doesn't pull it away.]

You know, Eren. The thing about trying to do everything yourself? You've only got one brain working for you. [Which he will not insult by calling it a stupid one for the time being.]

I know what I told you. I haven't forgotten.

When push comes to shove, you decide what you decide, and you have to live with that.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't utilize your resources. You're not alone, shithead. Let's keep it that way.

[An unspoken "please" seizes Levi's heart. He's held Eren Jaeger's face in his hand now. There's no way he can just sit back and watch him leave. Not now, not ever.]

[ One brain and everyone else's memories, which is really the problem. ]

I heard you.

[ Of course Eren hasn't forgotten those words either, though he's twisted the meaning in his head. He has to rely on himself, on his own decisions, his own power. Though unlike Levi has said, Eren can see the outcome. It's just such a terrible one. ]

But…

[ He sucks in a long breath through his nose and puffs all out his mouth again at once, hot air against the part of Levi's hand right there by his mouth. ]

I can't change the future. I don't think anyone can.

[ He hasn't quite reached tell the captain what's going on stage but he's shuffling around to it. Probably. Maybe. ]

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sorry I don't have good icons for this

i don't either it's fine

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probably wrapping soon but we can start another <3

yeah totally fine to wrap o7