dreamsofwings | open post;

[ Eren feels his stomach lurch a little at that. We have put our faith in you. Maybe he knows it, but to hear it from Levi, it gnaws at him. He doesn't deserve their faith. Maybe he never did, all things considered, all the terrible consequences of his life that spiralled out from the future and the past at once. He hadn't known.

(He had always known, somewhere hidden. He used to wake up crying.)

He drops his gaze. It's too much to look at Levi's face (no bandages, he reminds himself, no injuries whose origin is still a mystery to him, just Levi's unscarred beautiful face). How can he tell the truth to someone he has to betray so entirely?

But he does it anyway, the truth dropping out of his mouth before he can think better. ]

All of them. Every last one.

[There's a moment where the sound of a pin dropping would rattle the walls like thunder. Levi's eyes narrow, gaze sharpening like a knife. He stares at Eren like a master staring down a misbehaved dog.]

No.

[It's not a matter of what Eren's capable of - surely not that (all of them - all of them?), but with the certainty of his tone, and the weight of those six final words.]

Consider that a goddamn order, Jaeger.

You don't get to lose your mind and go on a blind killing spree just because the world pissed you off. [Yeah. He'll call that one right out. No big fucking mystery.]

[ Eren holds his breath in the silence. He's not sure what he's expecting, really. Of course Levi of all people would never condone the murder of so many people. Levi cares about humanity in a way Eren never has and really never can. ]

I wasn't asking permission, Captain.

[ He shouldn't push it, talk back, get Levi pissed off at him. More pissed off at him. But also…he wasn't asking. It's already over. It happened. It's happening right now in the future he cannot seem to change. ]

I haven't lost my mind. I can't find another way. There's nothing blind about it. I can…see too much.

[ Does he explain what that means? No. He's not really in the business of explaining himself these days. This conversation with Levi is closer than he's come. ]

[If Eren isn't asking permission, then he sure as hell shouldn't be calling Levi "Captain".

[He's going to defect. The realization leaves Levi's stomach in knots. All this time, he's been Eren's superior; more than that, the person in charge of putting the dog down once it can't control its bite.

[But it's more than that. It's always been more than that, no matter how much Levi tries to deny it.

[Barking orders, kicking Eren into submission - that might have worked once. There's a sinking sensation that that won't be the case from here on out.]

Eren.

[That calm, grounding voice again. He isn't just saying the kid's name. He's saying "Eren" like it means something - means something to him. There's weight to it - terrible weight. Levi doesn't try to hide it for once.]

Slow down and talk to me. Tell me what you mean.

I'm on your side.

I know.

[ Later, Eren won't be able to pinpoint what exact thing it was that made him break. But here in the moment, it's just this:

Eren.

(He hears it in another tone, another place. Eren. Captain. The cold metal of the airship. A boot in his face.)

He hears it in this room, a conversation he didn't foresee, with a tone he thinks he might be imagining.

But he doesn't answer directly. He can't find the words yet.

He looks up again, though, eyebrows pulled together, troubled green eyes searching for an answer he's afraid to hear. ]

Captain. What are we? You and me?

[ But surely he knows this answer. There is no you and me here. Eren still doesn't say Levi's name; he has never said it to the man's face, and has never said it without a title attached.

He just basically admitted he would defect, but this exact moment, they are still what they've always been: a superior officer and a brat that doesn't follow orders. A man and a monster.

They have never just been Levi and Eren, no matter what Eren might have dreamed before the world expanded and ruined him. ]

[It's a question that's never quite been asked before, let alone so explicitly. Levi's gotta admit - Eren's got some balls for that one; then again, as far as Levi can tell, he's also got nothing to lose.

[He could lie. He could say that Eren was nothing more to him than one more brat he has to keep watch of. He'd like to think Eren wouldn't believe that by now, but this is a tenuous situation; the kids emotions aren't anywhere near in check (are they ever?).

[He could deflect. He could turn them back to the topic at hand, demand answers. He could patronize Eren - talk of comrades and teamwork and what it means to be a Scout-- Yeah, yeah, yeah. That ship clearly sailed a long time ago ~~(and this one's about to boyyy)~~.

[He could tell the truth. He could admit that stolen glances and the brushing of hands made him see Eren Jaeger in a startling new light. He could speak of Eren's passion, the look in his eyes when he used to long for something. He could mention the dreams of strange, faraway places where "Levi" and "Eren" meant seeing someone for the first time and being certain you'd always known them. He could tell the truth, he could tell the truth, he could tell the truth.

[Maybe that's what it'll take.]

Maybe we should start with what it is you want, Eren.

Not from the world. From me.

I'm listening.

[ Eren doesn't have anything to lose. He's already lost it, himself, his friends, his life.

The world, on the other hand, has everything to lose, all the lives he has condemned and all the burned earth left behind in the wake of millions of searing titan feet. As far as Eren knows, they've already lost, too.

But not yet, not today. ]

It doesn't matter what I want.

[ He thought it did, once, but in the end it had never mattered.

Levi says he's listening, though, and…well, fuck it. What's the worst thing that could really happen? Nothing will ever be as bad as that horrible future waiting for them. No matter what Levi says here, even if he laughs in Eren's face, it won't be as bad as that.

He doesn't really think Levi of all people would laugh at him, though. That's not his style. ]

But I…

[ What can he say? That he's been in love with Levi since before they met? That he wanted to be like him, back when he thought he actually could be? That even with scars he'll always be beautiful? That he's sorry?

At least when he finds words again, they're still the truth. ]

To stay by your side, Captain. To matter to you. That's what I've always wanted from you.

[It's not...exactly what Levi is expecting. "To matter to you." That's the part that's really throwing him; not because he doesn't understand the sentiment, but because he'd thought that that much must be obvious.

[Of course he matters to him. All of his Scouts matter to Levi. He knows he's a hard ass, but has he really come off so coldly that Eren thinks he's just a piece of canon fodder to him?

[There's some shame to that idea.

[Because he has been holding back. And Eren does matter. And Levi has drawn a line in the sand where a subordinate is a subordinate and a Captain is a Captain. Yeah. The more he thinks about it, the more it makes sense. Eren must have always thought that his love was one-sided; Levi never let him believe anything else.

[And now he's about to lose him.]

Then stay by my side, Eren.

[His voice comes out a fraction softer than normal; genuine. It's not an order. It may as well be a plea for how Levi feels at the moment.]

You do matter. [Cut the shit, Levi. He could walk out that door at any minute.] To me.

[ Eren is visibly surprised by Levi's answer. He's not sure what he'd been expecting. Rejection, probably. Some hesitation, maybe? But even that had seemed hopeful.

In all of his idea of future and (lack of) possibility, he never let himself truly think that Levi cared about him as more than a subordinate. Levi cares about a lot of people; that's not obvious if you don't know him, but Eren has long realised that under his shit jokes and rough manner, Levi cares a whole hell of a lot.

He just never thought it was all that personal. It was too much to hope for.

Now, he reaches for one of Levi's hands with both of his. He's never been subtle or hesitant; that's just not how Eren is. Given an inch, he'll take ten miles. This is him holding back. ]

I'm going to die, Captain. I've been dead since the day we met.

[ There's anguish in those words. They're true, but fuck he wants things to be different. If he stays, he will damn the island to destruction. And he will die anyway, because that's the fate of titan shifters. If he stays, he will damn the world to more war, more fear of Eldians.

They will never be safe.

They will always be running.

But one of his shitty truths is that Eren does not really care about the future, not in a grand sense. He wants Levi and the others to live long lives. He wants them to be happy (as if killing the world would ever accomplish that?). He will not accept Zeke's genocide, the end of all Eldians, the inability for any of them to have kids if they want to.

Beyond that, though? That's not really his problem or his concern.

For the first time in a long time, he thinks about what it would mean in a personal sense, to stay. ]

[Ever bold, Eren takes Levi's hand in his - both of his, almost as if he were the one pleading. Levi allows it; that's his version of holding back. They don't touch often. When they do, it's usually because Levi is hauling Eren's ass away from a titan's maw.

[It's an affirmation in its own right, the way that touch feels. Those faraway dreams feel closer than ever. "Eren" and "Levi".

[A thumb brushes over the back of Eren's hand. Levi doesn't realize until he feels it himself.]

We're all gonna die. [As if Levi hasn't lost enough. Eren's words pierce him - of course they do. But his lifespan running out doesn't change anything; the way Levi feels, or what Eren wants - what they both want.]

You're not dead yet. Be pretty shitty of you to throw away what you've got left.

It doesn't matter, Eren. This is what you want, right? [Hand in inhumanly warm hand.]

I'm telling you you can have it. [It's a gamble. If Eren's mind is made up, and the power of The Founding Titan is more than Levi could have imagined, then all this could easily be for nothing.

[But if Levi's silence is what made Eren leave, he'd never be able to forgive himself.]

[ Levi's thumb brushes Eren's hand and he knows he's lost. But for the first time in — months? years? ages? — he feels found, tethered here in the present by something he's only ever entertained in private fantasy. Even then, it's been awhile since he dared.

He hears his father's voice saying only Eren will get what he wants. Funny, to think that he wanted that end of the world.

He did. He does. The world is a grim disappointment. The world will tear them all limb from limb.

He doesn't. He doesn't want to murder those children. He doesn't want Levi to look at him with disdain, to give up on him. He needs those things to happen, but he does not yet want them.

He wants this: his hand grasping Levi's like a lifeline. The captain's admission that there is more between them than just duty. The idea of a future they can't actually have, a place where there is no war and no Marley and they can have peace.

He will never have peace. But he can pretend for a minute, a day, a year. For Levi, he will crush the world. For Levi, he will stay his hand. ]

This is what I want.

[ He whispers that, but it's fervent, all his devotion, his rage, his teenage bullshit tied up in a sentence. ]

I don’t know how to change the future. I'll try again.

[There's a deep breath, but Levi pulls it in slowly enough that there's not much attention drawn.

[This is a bad idea.]

The future isn't set in stone. [His thumb brushes over the back of Eren's hand again. He wants to be closer. He wants to know what it feels like to touch him without restraint.

[But he can't rush this.]

It seems you're capable of something you haven't told us. Am I getting that right?

[ Levi might have restraint, but Eren has never had any. As far as he's concerned, the only time he's shown restraint (which he has a hard time separating from hesitation in his thought process), people have died trying to save him. There is no life or death stake here in this room (except maybe the whole world, whatever), but everything in Eren's mind is so heightened anyway.

I'm going to die, Captain.

Neither of them is dead yet, though.

He lifts Levi's hand and presses his lips to the back of it, avoiding the question. ]

You have no idea what I'm capable of.

[ He finally says that just above Levi's hand, loud enough to be heard, but only just.

That isn't fair, of course. Levi has always seen through him. Levi knew he was a monster when they met, titan transformation aside. ]

[No. No, he really doesn't know what Eren's capable of. Never fully has, really. He's theorized; agonized on the bad days. But the kid is as much of a mystery as he's ever been; more so now than ever.

[And he's pressing his lips to the back of Levi's hand. "This is what you want, right? I'm telling you you can have it." Never one to waste time, Eren.

[It's so beautifully, terrifyingly easy to shift his hand just enough that he can cup Eren's cheek. His face is warm. Eren isn't dead yet.

[It's impossible, he realizes, to keep his voice harsh with the boy's face resting against his palm. So he doesn't.]

I'm gonna learn quick. Because you're gonna tell me.

And we're gonna figure this shit out. Like we always do.

Edited 2023-12-02 07:30 (UTC)

[ Eren tries only superficially to resist the urge to lean into Levi's hand. In the end it's a sort of compromise. He turns his face towards that touch. Is he condemning the island just for this touch?

Maybe. ]

I don't know how. If I tell you, you'll look at me different.

[ And after this, he's not sure he can stomach that. ]

I tried to figure it out. There's no other way, Captain. If I don't leave, we're all fucked.

[ And if he does, they're also all fucked, so hey. ]

Did you hear what I just said?

[Some of that telltale harshness returns to his voice, but it's only for the sake of being firm. It's the only way Levi knows how to reassure, which is at least part of the intention. Eren's cheek is warm against his palm. He doesn't pull it away.]

You know, Eren. The thing about trying to do everything yourself? You've only got one brain working for you. [Which he will not insult by calling it a stupid one for the time being.]

I know what I told you. I haven't forgotten.

When push comes to shove, you decide what you decide, and you have to live with that.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't utilize your resources. You're not alone, shithead. Let's keep it that way.

[An unspoken "please" seizes Levi's heart. He's held Eren Jaeger's face in his hand now. There's no way he can just sit back and watch him leave. Not now, not ever.]

[ One brain and everyone else's memories, which is really the problem. ]

I heard you.

[ Of course Eren hasn't forgotten those words either, though he's twisted the meaning in his head. He has to rely on himself, on his own decisions, his own power. Though unlike Levi has said, Eren can see the outcome. It's just such a terrible one. ]

But…

[ He sucks in a long breath through his nose and puffs all out his mouth again at once, hot air against the part of Levi's hand right there by his mouth. ]

I can't change the future. I don't think anyone can.

[ He hasn't quite reached tell the captain what's going on stage but he's shuffling around to it. Probably. Maybe. ]

You sure as hell can't if you don't try.

[ Something tinged with anger flashes across Eren's face. ]

What makes you think I haven't tried? I have. Nothing ever makes a difference. You heard those people in there! I told you, they'll come kill us.

[ He realises he's starting to raise his voice. Not only does he not want someone to come barging in here. He doesn't want to yell at Levi, not really. He's not mad at Levi.

He's only mad at himself.

Well, and the whole rest of the world, whatever. ]

I told you. I told you how many people have to die for you to be safe.

[ Not us. It still isn't us, can never be us. He wants it to be, though. That's why he's still in this room. ]

Back up, Eren. [All things considered, coming from Levi, it's nearly a gentle tone. Idly, he shifts his hand to run his knuckles over Eren's cheek instead. "Eren" and "Levi".]

Don't get excited. [He feels like telling Eren to start from the beginning - let's sort this out right now - but they don't have much longer to hide away in here, and with the time they have...

[Let them both have this for a moment.]

As soon as we can, we're gonna sit down and sort out all the shit in your head. For now, just calm down a minute.

[ Eren already knows there's no doing that, no sorting through it, no working it out. There never can be. There never was, never will be.

But he takes a breath anyway. Levi's hand is still here on his face and the world is out there.

Was there ever a chance it could have been this? Eren and Levi against the world? He wishes. But Levi would never in a million lifetimes see this Eren's way. Levi cares too much.

Eren loves that about him, though. That's why this is supposed to hurt. But he stays here, just…breathing. ]

Okay, Captain.

[ Let them have this: Levi's knuckles against his face (they could be harsh or soft and he'd take it all the same), Eren turning into his touch again like he can't bear to do anything else, one of Eren's hands grasped in the fabric of Levi's jacket (not like his regular uniform, something different, more formal, too bad Eren's messing it up like he messes everything up). ]

We can't stay here though.

[ We, this time. Not I. ]

No. [A muttered agreement. Something makes the room feel too quiet to raise his voice. He could say that its the need to be discreet, but that hadn't stopped him before; no, it isn't that at all. It's Eren's hand, gripping his uniform; it's Levi's hand, stroking the boy's face.

[They should go - rejoin the others, get back to business as usual. But Levi doesn't know when they'll be alone like this again.

[With his other hand, he tucks a finger under Eren's chin, lifting it. He wants to meet his eyes - grey watching that lovely green, unlike anything Levi's ever seen.

["I'm telling you you can have it."

[This first. Then they move forward, whatever that means - together.

[He leans in, the hand against Eren's cheek shifting to cup it. Levi kisses Eren - no Captains, no subordinates. "Levi" and "Eren".]

[ Eren is surprised enough that he's completely still for a moment.

Time spins around him, all the futures he wants and cannot have, the future that is looming in the distance, that is happening right now, oceans of blood.

Levi's face in bandages.

Eren's face missing an eye.

The same injuries, mirrored, perhaps some sick sort of penance for the unknown fate that awaits a man he loves too much.

Eren's eyes flick up, wide and green and alive, meeting stormy grey. Then Levi is actually kissing him and nothing else matters.

This is how they lose the war.

If he asks Levi to run, will he do it? He doesn't think so but he lets himself dream it for the split second of stretched out time that hangs in the air.

He finally lets go of Levi's jacket and reaches up, fingers against the back of his neck, tracing up into the shortest part of the undercut. He's wondered what it would feel like to brush his hands over those shaved pieces. Now he doesn't have to wonder.

Eren will always take more than he is given and that's true here too. He's kissed people before, sure, but somehow this feels different to him. He's thought about this a zillion times, sometimes in a hazy nonspecific way and sometimes in embarrassing detail. But the reality is always different, isn't it?

He parts his lips almost immediately, leaning up to demand more. He's still sitting down and the only way to get leverage is to stand. He doesn't dare. He's afraid if he does he'll break whatever spell is cast between them.

When he stands up and walks out of this room, it's still Captain. (It's still Captain in his mind, but that word means different things to him in different thoughts.)

Levi. Eren.

Us, he thinks. Humanity's strongest. Humanity's "hope." Maybe they will find another way after all.

He knows they won't, but please. If only. ]

[They will. They have to. Especially now. Especially now.

[Parted lips plead for more from Levi; he delivers. Rarely has he been in the position of standing above someone while they kiss, but with Eren seated, he has all the leverage he needs. Leaning down, he deepens the kiss, his free hand coming up to brush through Eren's hair, fingers bending to grasp, caress. His hand settles at the nape of the boy's neck.

[It feels profound. That's the only word that fits; still, it doesn't do it justice. It's more than release. There's freedom to this moment - such terrible, intoxicating freedom.

["Freedom" which Eren cares so much about. Levi wonders if he can feel it too.]

[ There aren't many people that Eren would let touch his neck at all. It's his biggest physical weakness, after all. And Levi is the deadliest when it comes to killing titans. But Levi touching his neck like this, steady and real, while they kiss, is everything he wants.

Well. Not everything. In this moment, it's enough.

It should be him, Eren thinks. Not Armin. Not Mikasa. Not a gunshot from across the yard. It should always have been Levi. What a morbid thought to have in the middle of this unexpected intimacy, one of the only things in the past year and change that has truly taken Eren by surprise.

Despite all of his yelling about it, Eren knows now the awful truth that he has never been free. They were not free inside the walls. They are not free outside the walls. Eren himself is bound by a fate of his own making, a fate of the world twisting him in knots, the consequence of a boy with too much rage and too much power, generational trauma spiralling outward. He will consume the whole world with that fate. A slave to his freedom.

But.

There is now this choice. Are they damning everyone on the island? Probably. Is there another way, something between eradication of Paradis and eradication of the world? Eren thinks — knows — there is not.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter! Eren holds on to Levi like a lifeline and kisses him like he will never get to kiss anyone again.

It is freeing, though, to make a different choice, something he had not foreseen. Levi told him once to make a choice and live with it. So he does.

Eventually even titan shifters have to breathe and he gasps softly with the intake of air, still holding on and unwilling to let go. ]

What do we do now? I don't want you to die.

[ That's his fear, after all. He doesn't really care if the island gets wrecked. The Rumbling would wreck half of it anyway. He cares about Levi, and his other friends, the closeknit family that was left after Zeke killed pretty much all the Scouts. They have to live. Most of them, if not all of them, have to live. ]

probably wrapping soon but we can start another <3

theirmemory - 2023-12-30 19:57 (UTC) - Expand

yeah totally fine to wrap o7

dreamsofwings - 2024-02-07 17:30 (UTC) - Expand

open post;

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sorry I don't have good icons for this

i don't either it's fine

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probably wrapping soon but we can start another <3

yeah totally fine to wrap o7