[ He has to read this a couple of times because it's unexpected. Reiner cares because Armin is important to him? Well that's a weird emotion he's not sure how to categorise.
Eren eventually remembers that Reiner and Armin are enemies too, at least as far as Reiner is concerned. He's not sure how Armin feels, but he knows that at some point they will fight him together. He hasn't lived through it but he knows it as sure as he knows so many things he hasn't lived through. ]
Oh.
Did you guys fight?
[ He almost makes a comment about how Armin could take Reiner in a fight now and then he remembers, too, that Reiner has no idea that Armin holds the Colossal Titan. Well, Eren's not going to tell him, either, because it could fuck up their relationship and he's nothing if not selfish about that particular thing! ]
It was less a fight and more me screaming at him. I think he was so shocked that it snapped him out of whatever was happening.
[ For all that Reiner will scream his head off if provoked, that's far from his normal method of dealing with problems. ]
It may have been some kind of fairy magic. I don't know. He kept saying one thing verbally, but his expression said the opposite. Like saying he didn't care that I was here while looking at me fondly. It was really weird.
[ Holy shit. Reiner is a fighter but not much of a screamer. That's Eren's thing. But he's seen Reiner fly off a couple of times.
Why is he so pissed at Armin, though? It can't be about Bertholdt; that wouldn't have stopped at screaming, Eren thinks. If their positions were reversed, Eren sure wouldn't stop at screaming, and he and Reiner are alike enough that he's pretty sure he's on the money there. Then what the hell was it about? ]
What did he even say to you that got you that mad?
[ And yet, here he is apologizing to Eren. Not Armin.
Because the fact is, Reiner is not sorry for any of the things he said to Armin. Not by a long shot. His regret goes only as far as, 'Armin is important to Eren.' That's it. ]
He said I was "just a kid" and called me an idiot. I wasn't thrilled to see him anyway. It set me off.
[ There's more to it, of course. All Armin did was light a fuse, setting off an explosion of anger, stress, and regret. But Reiner has no idea how to even begin explaining that. ]
Just a kid? That's a weird thing to say. You said he was under some fairy magic thing right? Maybe he'll explain what was going on once he snaps out of it.
[ Still, though, seems like that freak out might have been overreacting? As if Eren could ever judge that. ]
I know we're all enemies to you but I think you're the only one who sees it that way. Even Jean doesn't see you as an enemy.
[ Reiner is about to explain that Armin did apologize for calling him a kid. Not that it made Reiner any less hostile, but at least he'd stopped shouting by that point.
Then Reiner reads the rest of Eren's words. And for a long moment, all he can do is sit still, clutching his phone as he reads and rereads those last words.
"Even I don't, not anymore."
Reiner doesn't understand it. Not entirely. There is still a part of him that expects Eren to hate him. To revel in his suffering. To strive to inflict the worst death imaginable on him.
But that's not what this is. That's not what this strange, wonderful, terrifying, intoxicating thing between them is.
And for the first time, it doesn't feel so fragile.
Reiner pulls in a breath, his heart pounding and aching all at once. Carefully, he begins to type: ]
I don't consider you an enemy, either. You're really important to me, Eren.
[ What an understatement. ]
You know why everything else is complicated for me, right? I haven't lived through what a lot of you have. That future makes no sense to me.
[ Eren hates a lot of people. An unfathomable amount of people, though he recognises they don't all deserve it. It doesn't matter.
But somewhere along the line, he stopped hating Reiner specifically. Maybe in Liberio. Maybe before that, though he wasn't ready to know it.
Maybe just here, in another world, up against an alley wall in the rain with his heart pounding and his feelings confused, out of his depth but desperate with it.
It's not as if he hadn't been close to Reiner before. But was that really Reiner? Where does the line blur? He's not sure it matters.
He's not sure he could say it out loud but he can write the words, finger tapping quickly across the screen, hitting send before he can take it back. ]
You're important to me too.
[ From Eren, words like that could be a death sentence as much as any threat could, or a one way trip to heartbreak. Not that it could stop either of them. Even if they were actually damned, Eren wouldn't even slow down.
After a minute, another message:]
I know. The future is only bad though. There is nothing good left
[ He types in me but deletes it. Still, he usually closes his sentences but he forgets the punctuation there. ]
Do you even want to know?
[ It's not an offer to reveal anything, just a question. ]
[ "You're important to me too." Words that hum through Reiner's body, bringing a smile to his face, his chest warm. Words that he spends that minute between messages reading and rereading, trying to burn them into his memory.
Then Eren's next message comes. Reiner catches that lack of punctuation. It could be a typo. It could be that Eren is typing quickly, forgetting punctuation like Reiner did when he drunkenly texted. It could be nothing at all.
Reiner still makes a note of it. ]
It would be easier for others if I did. I don't know if it would be easier for me.
[ Not that something being difficult has ever stopped Reiner. But then he adds something he could never admit aloud: ]
I don't know how my mind would handle it.
[ What if that knowledge breaks him even more? What if he plummets back into delusions? He's been doing better lately, finding semi-solid ground. He only slips occasionally, not the wild pendulum swing that rocked him when he first arrived in this world. What if he loses hold of that?
What if he starts forgetting what's important? ]
But there are things I want to understand. So, maybe someday.
[ "Maybe." A word that comes with all sorts of added meanings for them.
Reiner wants to understand why Eren is the way that he is now. At the same time, isn't it enough to steal time together? Isn't it enough to discover more about each other here and now? ]
[ Eren is surprised at the admission for a moment. But if they're not enemies, if they're...whatever...then there's no reason not to say it. It's a weakness, one Eren is aware of. He exploited it once. He can't say he never would again. But still, an admission is a hard thing. ]
People aren't meant to know the future.
[ He would know! ]
But maybe someday I'll tell you, if you ask me.
[ He's not teasing or being coy. He's purposefully held off telling Reiner things. It's selfish and he knows that. His reasons aren't all out of care. It's not all selfishness but that's certainly a factor. ]
You don’t have to do things because they're easier for other people. You can live for you.
[ "Maybe someday," huh? That sounds good to Reiner. ]
All right. I'll keep it in mind.
[ As for the rest… What would living for himself even look like? Reiner has spent his whole life giving and giving, turning himself into what other people want and need. Even now, he's trying to be "Reiner" for Gabi's sake, not his own. How would he even go about figuring out how he wants to live?
"It doesn't matter," he'd told Hijikata. What Reiner wants ceased to matter a long time ago. He still believes that.
But he still wants. He wants this thing with Eren. He wants to not have to kill his friends. So… ]
Maybe someday.
[ If he can ever figure out how to do it.
Reiner shifts topics, then, bringing up something that he recently saw but has yet to investigate: ]
By the way, they're teaching some new type of magic at the guilds. [ A magic that requires trust, if Eren saw that phone notification. ] No idea what it does, but it takes two people to wield it. Do you want to try it out?
[ It's not to say Eren will never use information against Reiner, but he's trying to (be better) not be an asshole based on old wounds. He told Jean you can be friends with someone and not forgive them.
Eren is so bad at forgiveness. But he meant what he said, both to Jean then and Reiner now.
They are no longer enemies. They're important to each other. Whatever comes next comes next, and it's terrifying after all this time to not know the ending. ]
I think I saw something about that. Yeah. Let's try it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dreamsofwings) wrote2021-07-13 03:17 am
no subject
Eren eventually remembers that Reiner and Armin are enemies too, at least as far as Reiner is concerned. He's not sure how Armin feels, but he knows that at some point they will fight him together. He hasn't lived through it but he knows it as sure as he knows so many things he hasn't lived through. ]
Oh.
Did you guys fight?
[ He almost makes a comment about how Armin could take Reiner in a fight now and then he remembers, too, that Reiner has no idea that Armin holds the Colossal Titan. Well, Eren's not going to tell him, either, because it could fuck up their relationship and he's nothing if not selfish about that particular thing! ]
What kind of magic effect?
[ BELATEDLY. ]
no subject
[ For all that Reiner will scream his head off if provoked, that's far from his normal method of dealing with problems. ]
It may have been some kind of fairy magic. I don't know. He kept saying one thing verbally, but his expression said the opposite. Like saying he didn't care that I was here while looking at me fondly. It was really weird.
no subject
[ Holy shit. Reiner is a fighter but not much of a screamer. That's Eren's thing. But he's seen Reiner fly off a couple of times.
Why is he so pissed at Armin, though? It can't be about Bertholdt; that wouldn't have stopped at screaming, Eren thinks. If their positions were reversed, Eren sure wouldn't stop at screaming, and he and Reiner are alike enough that he's pretty sure he's on the money there. Then what the hell was it about? ]
What did he even say to you that got you that mad?
I don't think Armin considers you an enemy.
no subject
[ And yet, here he is apologizing to Eren. Not Armin.
Because the fact is, Reiner is not sorry for any of the things he said to Armin. Not by a long shot. His regret goes only as far as, 'Armin is important to Eren.' That's it. ]
He said I was "just a kid" and called me an idiot. I wasn't thrilled to see him anyway. It set me off.
[ There's more to it, of course. All Armin did was light a fuse, setting off an explosion of anger, stress, and regret. But Reiner has no idea how to even begin explaining that. ]
no subject
[ Still, though, seems like that freak out might have been overreacting? As if Eren could ever judge that. ]
I know we're all enemies to you but I think you're the only one who sees it that way. Even Jean doesn't see you as an enemy.
[ We can be something different. ]
Even I don't, not anymore.
[ OBVIOUSLY??? ]
no subject
Then Reiner reads the rest of Eren's words. And for a long moment, all he can do is sit still, clutching his phone as he reads and rereads those last words.
"Even I don't, not anymore."
Reiner doesn't understand it. Not entirely. There is still a part of him that expects Eren to hate him. To revel in his suffering. To strive to inflict the worst death imaginable on him.
But that's not what this is. That's not what this strange, wonderful, terrifying, intoxicating thing between them is.
And for the first time, it doesn't feel so fragile.
Reiner pulls in a breath, his heart pounding and aching all at once. Carefully, he begins to type: ]
I don't consider you an enemy, either. You're really important to me, Eren.
[ What an understatement. ]
You know why everything else is complicated for me, right? I haven't lived through what a lot of you have. That future makes no sense to me.
no subject
But somewhere along the line, he stopped hating Reiner specifically. Maybe in Liberio. Maybe before that, though he wasn't ready to know it.
Maybe just here, in another world, up against an alley wall in the rain with his heart pounding and his feelings confused, out of his depth but desperate with it.
It's not as if he hadn't been close to Reiner before. But was that really Reiner? Where does the line blur? He's not sure it matters.
He's not sure he could say it out loud but he can write the words, finger tapping quickly across the screen, hitting send before he can take it back. ]
You're important to me too.
[ From Eren, words like that could be a death sentence as much as any threat could, or a one way trip to heartbreak. Not that it could stop either of them. Even if they were actually damned, Eren wouldn't even slow down.
After a minute, another message:]
I know. The future is only bad though. There is nothing good left
[ He types in me but deletes it. Still, he usually closes his sentences but he forgets the punctuation there. ]
Do you even want to know?
[ It's not an offer to reveal anything, just a question. ]
no subject
Then Eren's next message comes. Reiner catches that lack of punctuation. It could be a typo. It could be that Eren is typing quickly, forgetting punctuation like Reiner did when he drunkenly texted. It could be nothing at all.
Reiner still makes a note of it. ]
It would be easier for others if I did. I don't know if it would be easier for me.
[ Not that something being difficult has ever stopped Reiner. But then he adds something he could never admit aloud: ]
I don't know how my mind would handle it.
[ What if that knowledge breaks him even more? What if he plummets back into delusions? He's been doing better lately, finding semi-solid ground. He only slips occasionally, not the wild pendulum swing that rocked him when he first arrived in this world. What if he loses hold of that?
What if he starts forgetting what's important? ]
But there are things I want to understand. So, maybe someday.
[ "Maybe." A word that comes with all sorts of added meanings for them.
Reiner wants to understand why Eren is the way that he is now. At the same time, isn't it enough to steal time together? Isn't it enough to discover more about each other here and now? ]
no subject
People aren't meant to know the future.
[ He would know! ]
But maybe someday I'll tell you, if you ask me.
[ He's not teasing or being coy. He's purposefully held off telling Reiner things. It's selfish and he knows that. His reasons aren't all out of care. It's not all selfishness but that's certainly a factor. ]
You don’t have to do things because they're easier for other people. You can live for you.
no subject
All right. I'll keep it in mind.
[ As for the rest… What would living for himself even look like? Reiner has spent his whole life giving and giving, turning himself into what other people want and need. Even now, he's trying to be "Reiner" for Gabi's sake, not his own. How would he even go about figuring out how he wants to live?
"It doesn't matter," he'd told Hijikata. What Reiner wants ceased to matter a long time ago. He still believes that.
But he still wants. He wants this thing with Eren. He wants to not have to kill his friends. So… ]
Maybe someday.
[ If he can ever figure out how to do it.
Reiner shifts topics, then, bringing up something that he recently saw but has yet to investigate: ]
By the way, they're teaching some new type of magic at the guilds. [ A magic that requires trust, if Eren saw that phone notification. ] No idea what it does, but it takes two people to wield it. Do you want to try it out?
no subject
Eren is so bad at forgiveness. But he meant what he said, both to Jean then and Reiner now.
They are no longer enemies. They're important to each other. Whatever comes next comes next, and it's terrifying after all this time to not know the ending. ]
I think I saw something about that. Yeah. Let's try it.
no subject
[ And so they do. ]