[ The week of 12/24, Eren will find a somewhat small, circular present on his doorstep. The package is on top of a plastic-wrapped paper plate of cookies; they appear to be sugar cookies with cranberries mixed in. The bottoms are a bit more brown than golden, but they taste delicious!
The present, once unwrapped, is a leather woven bracelets like the one he talked to Reiner about; it has dark green beads and suspiciously familiar golden ones woven through them.
There's also a little handwritten post-it from Marco. ]
Eren -
Apparently we give gifts at this time of year here! This is a little bracelet I made for you, to remind you of your friends.
Reiner has one too; if you both hold hands, you'll be able to activate a charm that creates little hearts by saying each others names! The activation word for the charm is "Hearts up".
Please don't do crazy stuff in my brain again.
-Marco
text; un:jaeger backdated to like a day after this delivery
[ Marco saw Porco's memories, and Marco saw the rumbling. Not all of it, not exactly what he showed Reiner, but enough of it to understand what Eren did. It's been something he's been wrestling with this whole time. ]
I suppose it's better that I know now, though.
... I'm not happy, but it's not as if I can change what happened, so I'm not going to yell at you. I still care about you.
[ If he can care about Reiner still, even this shouldn't stop him from caring about Eren. He does want to yell at him; he saw kids die in Liberio. But then, the same thing happened in Shiganshina... ]
[ Both for Eren's sake and Marco's own. Eren had kept Jean and Mikasa out but everyone else? Not so much. ]
Some of what you saw didn't happen yet for everyone. Some of it did. Nothing can change it, though, you're right. If you hated me I would have understood.
I left our world behind on purpose so the future wouldn't have to happen.
As for you seeing it, that was a weird accident that the city's magic caused I guess. I'm not entirely sure.
I think it is. I think ... good or bad, we all deserve to know what happened to our home.
[ In this, he doesn't mean just Paradis, he means all of it; they share that world with other people. ]
I mean, I'm angry, of course I am. How many children are going to die before we stop fighting each other? This includes people like me and Galliard's brother. We were all too young to know what we were doing.
I wish there was a way we could save everyone, but I know that's not true anymore.
Maybe. Maybe Jean and Mikasa have it right, never wanting to know. I'd rather protect them from it. I would have rather protected you too. Knowing about the world didn't do anyone any good.
On the other hand, everyone on the island deserved to know the truth. We were lied to. Brainwashed for 100 years. We weren't the last people alive at all.
[ What a disappointment, he thinks. It's probably better this conversation isn't out loud. Eren is still not quite sorry for the world, not when the other choice was the eradication of everyone on the island, the eradication of people Eren loves.
His black and white outlook is still going strong, unfortunately. He recognises that people don’t deserve to die but he still can't (won't?) change the future. He told Armin he tried and nothing he did changed it, which is a lie, but who's to say how much of that was always his own bias anyway. ]
I don’t know the answer to that. I don’t know if people can really find an end to war. Only people who live through war get to know, get to see if it was ever worth it. But war is just hell. Our whole world was just hell.
I wanted everyone to get to live long lives. Even if I never get to or can't be there to see it happen. I still want that for them.
But I don’t want to go back either. With all of us here, I don’t want any of us to go back.
I can respect that they don't want to know. I think I agree with you though - no matter how bad the truth is, I'd rather know it than look away.
[ Marco's not sure if he can stomach what Eren did, though. But yet again, like with Reiner, he can accept that he's upset, and angry, and still not decide to stop talking to Eren. ]
I don't want to go back - I mean. I can't. I remember dying, so there's no where for me to go back to.
[ He doesn't understand the paths, and how they trap the souls of those after death. Maybe it's better if no one tells him. ]
This is a second chance for me... and for you too. You said you haven't done it yet, after all. You chose to leave, and that matters.
[ Eren doesn't actually know what's better. For Marco, there's literally nothing he can do. He's been dead since before they knew fuck all about the world. For Mikasa and Jean, especially Mikasa, it might hurt worse.
Eren as he is hasn't told Mikasa he hates her. But he knows it happens. He planned on what he was going to say to sever that tie for months, the lies he would spin, the way he would cut himself open literally and figuratively to hurt one of the people he loves the most in all the world. Mikasa as she is here will never have to hear those words.
In Marco's shoes or in Mikasa's, though, Eren thinks he would also want to know. Even if the future is too horrible to imagine, to look at, he wouldn't be able to resist knowing. Is that part of the issue here? Maybe! There's a lot going on involving Eren and knowing too much about too many things (and too little about others) and the end of the world. ]
Even if you could live again, this place is better. For all of us.
[ Eren doesn't really understand the Paths or know all of that yet, either, though now he comes closer to really getting it. There are still holes, the only things he doesn't care to chase down and sort out now. All those unknowns lead to is the worst possible outcome. ]
I know what happens. But like I said, I walked away. I had a chance to leave and that's what I did. It was the only thing I could ever find to do.
You should have gotten to live a long life too, though. I'm sorry you didn't get that. I hope you get it now.
[ This apology isn't as remarkable as some of the other things he's said to people recently, because Marco's death is one that really isn't Eren's fault. He didn't cause it directly or indirectly. That one's on Reiner and Bertholdt and Annie. There was some level of guilt Eren had felt back when it had happened, but back then he really thought he should be able to save everyone.
Funny how that flipped on its head.
Still, him bothering to say anything that shows his real emotions is something. ]
[ For his apology, at least, he has an answer for that. ]
I'll tell you the same thing I told Jean: It wasn't your fault anything happened to me. I think you know that, but... thank you for hoping for a long life for me.
I already talked to Reiner, about what happened. I don't think I can forgive him. But forgiving him isn't necessary for me to be friends with him. I don't know if he ever mentioned it, but... I am trying.
Just.. there are people here who lived through what happens in the future. They're hurting too.
[ It's the gentlest way he can think of to talk about Porco, about the way he was terrified of being used by Eren again. It's not his issue to fully bring up but he doesn't want to leave his room-mate-sometimes-bed-partner unmentioned. ]
I know. But I'm still sorry you didn't get to live.
[ Though in the end, was it really worse to die when he had? WELL, ]
Jean and I didn't talk about it. Reiner and I did a little. I'm glad you can coexist at the least.
[ Eren of all people would never even suggest forgiveness. ]
I know there are people here who lived through it. The captain and Hange did. I can't change what they lived through any more than I can change what I haven't lived through.
[ This is quite a twist of words and logic, considering the power Eren actually holds, but what else is new. ]
All I can do is the same thing as always. Move forward from where I am now.
You can do more than move forward; you'll have to start trying to do better.
I know you can't change the future any more than you already have, by staying here and therefore not causing it to happen. But at some point you'll have to be sorry for what you did, and try to make amends.
I'm not saying you don't already, it seems like you do. [ At least, from Marco's perspective. ] Reiner can't change what he did. I didn't forgive him. But he wants to do better, and that's what makes me what to be his friend. If that makes sense?
You know there's no making amends for it, right? I haven't done it when I'm from, but a bunch of people already lived through it.
[ This is the weirdest thing to consider, since he has done it in his future memories, and at this point there's not a functional difference. Well, maybe at the end of it he'll have filled in the holes, all the things he hasn't yet figured out or learned. But the outcome, no matter what he does, is always the same.
The world in exchange for a handful of lives and Eren's humanity.
Also he's just not sorry! He's had years (lifetimes) to deal with this however he's going to deal with it. There are some people he might be sorry for. Those children in Liberio, refugees who were already treated like shit. Hange. Levi, at least on some level.
Eren cannot be sorry for the world. They were right to hate him and he knows it. ]
But I promised the captain I would be better. I am trying to do that.
[ As best he can, even if it's not always great. ]
It makes sense. I'll never forgive Reiner and them for what they did. I don't expect Reiner to forgive me. It doesn't matter, though. We're still
[ Shit, what are they? Enemies? Not now. Boyfriends? No, that seems like a silly word for it. (mathlady.gif) ]
You two understand each other, I think. One of the few who understand what it's like to... do that. Even if you haven't done it here yet.
[ Eren knew he'd eventually make the decision. Eren sharing the paths, that'd been a result of everything Eren decided to share with Reiner. It's not like he can judge them, either. He's cozied up quick to Galliard, who is from the same country that Reiner was sent from to attack them. ]
[ How can he, when he's been the same his whole life? He just didn't know it. (It's flawed logic; no one, not even Eren, is a static person. But he says this kind of shit all the time anyway.) ]
Reiner did. Annie. Bertholdt. Marley took kids so young. It fucked up my dad's first family like that.
[ He can recognise that Zeke's genocide against their own people is Zeke's own bullshit fault, but Grisha had made him feel like he didn't matter. That's on their dad. Eren's never excused Grisha for his actions either. (Eren has never really excused or forgiven anyone for anything.) ]
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dreamsofwings) wrote2021-07-13 03:17 am
Gift Delivery!
The present, once unwrapped, is a leather woven bracelets like the one he talked to Reiner about; it has dark green beads and suspiciously familiar golden ones woven through them.
There's also a little handwritten post-it from Marco. ]
Eren -
Apparently we give gifts at this time of year here! This is a little bracelet I made for you, to remind you of your friends.
Reiner has one too; if you both hold hands, you'll be able to activate a charm that creates little hearts by saying each others names! The activation word for the charm is "Hearts up".
Please don't do crazy stuff in my brain again.
-Marco
text; un:jaeger backdated to like a day after this delivery
[ He's pretty sure he doesn't need to say what this is about. Does he know what Marco saw there? POTENTIALLY. ]
no subject
I suppose it's better that I know now, though.
... I'm not happy, but it's not as if I can change what happened, so I'm not going to yell at you. I still care about you.
[ If he can care about Reiner still, even this shouldn't stop him from caring about Eren. He does want to yell at him; he saw kids die in Liberio. But then, the same thing happened in Shiganshina... ]
no subject
[ Both for Eren's sake and Marco's own. Eren had kept Jean and Mikasa out but everyone else? Not so much. ]
Some of what you saw didn't happen yet for everyone. Some of it did. Nothing can change it, though, you're right. If you hated me I would have understood.
I left our world behind on purpose so the future wouldn't have to happen.
As for you seeing it, that was a weird accident that the city's magic caused I guess. I'm not entirely sure.
no subject
[ In this, he doesn't mean just Paradis, he means all of it; they share that world with other people. ]
I mean, I'm angry, of course I am. How many children are going to die before we stop fighting each other? This includes people like me and Galliard's brother. We were all too young to know what we were doing.
I wish there was a way we could save everyone, but I know that's not true anymore.
no subject
On the other hand, everyone on the island deserved to know the truth. We were lied to. Brainwashed for 100 years. We weren't the last people alive at all.
[ What a disappointment, he thinks. It's probably better this conversation isn't out loud. Eren is still not quite sorry for the world, not when the other choice was the eradication of everyone on the island, the eradication of people Eren loves.
His black and white outlook is still going strong, unfortunately. He recognises that people don’t deserve to die but he still can't (won't?) change the future. He told Armin he tried and nothing he did changed it, which is a lie, but who's to say how much of that was always his own bias anyway. ]
I don’t know the answer to that. I don’t know if people can really find an end to war. Only people who live through war get to know, get to see if it was ever worth it. But war is just hell. Our whole world was just hell.
I wanted everyone to get to live long lives. Even if I never get to or can't be there to see it happen. I still want that for them.
But I don’t want to go back either. With all of us here, I don’t want any of us to go back.
no subject
[ Marco's not sure if he can stomach what Eren did, though. But yet again, like with Reiner, he can accept that he's upset, and angry, and still not decide to stop talking to Eren. ]
I don't want to go back - I mean. I can't. I remember dying, so there's no where for me to go back to.
[ He doesn't understand the paths, and how they trap the souls of those after death. Maybe it's better if no one tells him. ]
This is a second chance for me... and for you too. You said you haven't done it yet, after all. You chose to leave, and that matters.
no subject
[ Eren doesn't actually know what's better. For Marco, there's literally nothing he can do. He's been dead since before they knew fuck all about the world. For Mikasa and Jean, especially Mikasa, it might hurt worse.
Eren as he is hasn't told Mikasa he hates her. But he knows it happens. He planned on what he was going to say to sever that tie for months, the lies he would spin, the way he would cut himself open literally and figuratively to hurt one of the people he loves the most in all the world. Mikasa as she is here will never have to hear those words.
In Marco's shoes or in Mikasa's, though, Eren thinks he would also want to know. Even if the future is too horrible to imagine, to look at, he wouldn't be able to resist knowing. Is that part of the issue here? Maybe! There's a lot going on involving Eren and knowing too much about too many things (and too little about others) and the end of the world. ]
Even if you could live again, this place is better. For all of us.
[ Eren doesn't really understand the Paths or know all of that yet, either, though now he comes closer to really getting it. There are still holes, the only things he doesn't care to chase down and sort out now. All those unknowns lead to is the worst possible outcome. ]
I know what happens. But like I said, I walked away. I had a chance to leave and that's what I did. It was the only thing I could ever find to do.
You should have gotten to live a long life too, though. I'm sorry you didn't get that. I hope you get it now.
[ This apology isn't as remarkable as some of the other things he's said to people recently, because Marco's death is one that really isn't Eren's fault. He didn't cause it directly or indirectly. That one's on Reiner and Bertholdt and Annie. There was some level of guilt Eren had felt back when it had happened, but back then he really thought he should be able to save everyone.
Funny how that flipped on its head.
Still, him bothering to say anything that shows his real emotions is something. ]
no subject
I'll tell you the same thing I told Jean: It wasn't your fault anything happened to me. I think you know that, but... thank you for hoping for a long life for me.
I already talked to Reiner, about what happened. I don't think I can forgive him. But forgiving him isn't necessary for me to be friends with him. I don't know if he ever mentioned it, but... I am trying.
Just.. there are people here who lived through what happens in the future. They're hurting too.
[ It's the gentlest way he can think of to talk about Porco, about the way he was terrified of being used by Eren again. It's not his issue to fully bring up but he doesn't want to leave his room-mate-sometimes-bed-partner unmentioned. ]
no subject
[ Though in the end, was it really worse to die when he had? WELL, ]
Jean and I didn't talk about it. Reiner and I did a little. I'm glad you can coexist at the least.
[ Eren of all people would never even suggest forgiveness. ]
I know there are people here who lived through it. The captain and Hange did. I can't change what they lived through any more than I can change what I haven't lived through.
[ This is quite a twist of words and logic, considering the power Eren actually holds, but what else is new. ]
All I can do is the same thing as always. Move forward from where I am now.
no subject
I know you can't change the future any more than you already have, by staying here and therefore not causing it to happen. But at some point you'll have to be sorry for what you did, and try to make amends.
I'm not saying you don't already, it seems like you do. [ At least, from Marco's perspective. ] Reiner can't change what he did. I didn't forgive him. But he wants to do better, and that's what makes me what to be his friend. If that makes sense?
no subject
[ This is the weirdest thing to consider, since he has done it in his future memories, and at this point there's not a functional difference. Well, maybe at the end of it he'll have filled in the holes, all the things he hasn't yet figured out or learned. But the outcome, no matter what he does, is always the same.
The world in exchange for a handful of lives and Eren's humanity.
Also he's just not sorry! He's had years (lifetimes) to deal with this however he's going to deal with it. There are some people he might be sorry for. Those children in Liberio, refugees who were already treated like shit. Hange. Levi, at least on some level.
Eren cannot be sorry for the world. They were right to hate him and he knows it. ]
But I promised the captain I would be better. I am trying to do that.
[ As best he can, even if it's not always great. ]
It makes sense. I'll never forgive Reiner and them for what they did. I don't expect Reiner to forgive me. It doesn't matter, though. We're still
[ Shit, what are they? Enemies? Not now. Boyfriends? No, that seems like a silly word for it. (mathlady.gif) ]
We still care about each other.
no subject
[ Eren knew he'd eventually make the decision. Eren sharing the paths, that'd been a result of everything Eren decided to share with Reiner. It's not like he can judge them, either. He's cozied up quick to Galliard, who is from the same country that Reiner was sent from to attack them. ]
I care about him too. You both deserved better.
no subject
[ How can he, when he's been the same his whole life? He just didn't know it. (It's flawed logic; no one, not even Eren, is a static person. But he says this kind of shit all the time anyway.) ]
Reiner did. Annie. Bertholdt. Marley took kids so young. It fucked up my dad's first family like that.
[ He can recognise that Zeke's genocide against their own people is Zeke's own bullshit fault, but Grisha had made him feel like he didn't matter. That's on their dad. Eren's never excused Grisha for his actions either. (Eren has never really excused or forgiven anyone for anything.) ]
You didn't decide to hate me either, huh?
no subject
[ At the question though, well... ]
It wouldn't be my choice to make - I was already gone when you made your decision. I won't hate you here.
no subject
[ He doesn't bother explaining it, and he won't, but he says things like this all the time. ]
For what it's worth, I'm glad you don't.