If they were more materialistic people, chances are high that Reiner's plans for Eren's birthday would have differed. There would have been the gift of clothes, for one. Lots of clothes. Including lingerie and related toys—things Reiner would swear were for Eren's enjoyment (a claim he would be sure to make true).
As it is, such gifts didn't occur to Reiner. When he thinks of a special day, he thinks of food, companions, memories.
Unconsciously or not, that's the kind of special day Reiner has set out to make.
He turns the crystal between his fingers, a motion that isn't quite a nervous fidget. He knows what he's offering. He doesn't know what (if any) consequences there may be—but he knows he wants to give this to Eren.
"A Memory Crystal," he says. "It can share a memory with someone. One memory, one time."
Reiner meets Eren's gaze, any lingering awareness of the world falling away. Drawn in, as always, focusing solely on his Eren. "I can't share everything like you did." An experience Reiner asked for, even if it was farther-reaching than either of them expected. "But with this, I can share something."
not me writing 500 words of introspection and 2 of dialogue WHOOPS
Not that Eren wouldn't wear clothes if Reiner bought them. He wears the ones Mikasa got for him — the only indication that he has any sense of style whatsoever (spoilers: he doesn't really). But he appreciates the quiet and the closeness — the peace — of this more than objects.
Eren's eyes go a little wide. He isn't the expressive kid he once was; he can't ever quite go back to that. No one can really go backwards in time, after all. Eren can exist in many times at once. He can't ever quite stop being that kid, or the one that stood in the ocean for the first time, or the one holding Reiner's hand in Liberio, or the one clinging to Reiner in the dark bedroom that first time here in Ellipsa, or the one he has yet to be, the one that will crush the world, the one that manipulated Grisha into murdering the Reiss family.
But he can't harness that same energy now — neither that of his wide-eyed, naive childhood self, nor that distant coldblooded monster. He's…well, something else, isn't that it? Some new and undiscovered Eren that can only exist here.
He assumes that whatever Reiner chooses to share with him, it's a lot safer than what happened with the Paths. That wasn't on purpose, but he knew that the whole thing would be damaging. One of the ways in which they are not the same is that Reiner isn't damaging like that on purpose, not when he has a choice. Eren still makes choices to hurt people, sometimes deeply, sometimes people he loves the most.
No matter what Reiner wants to show him, he understands the offer. Only one thing, something Reiner considers precious enough to share — something Reiner is sharing with him. He's not self-centred enough to take that for granted.
"Safer" is subjective when it comes to this memory. Safer in comparison, certainly. Reiner hasn't set out to destroy the whole world. (Only Eren's world.) Reiner doesn't hold the future in his palm, secrets that could devastate the earth hidden within the very worst person to hold such power. The method of sharing this memory is safer, too; only Eren will see it, and no one else will find themselves pulled in.
But is the memory itself "safe"? Not at all. Not in Liberio, where its exposure would end in death—or worse. Maybe not in this world, either.
There is a reason Reiner spent the day hesitating. A reason he struggles not to fidget, frightened of consequences that realistically can't reach him here. A reason that when Eren offers him a way out—"You're sure?"—a voice that sounds like Reiner's mother demands he take it.
Reiner holds Eren's gaze. Wide green eyes, impossibly vivid. Still bright, despite everything. Still moving forward. Still alive.
He wants them to stay alive. He needs it.
"I want you to know," Reiner answers, ignoring the echo of his mother's voice. Reaching out, he presses the crystal into Eren's hand, holding it there. "No one else does. Only me and … the other person who was there."
When Eren activates the crystal, he'll find a deceptively short memory. He'll see a ten or eleven-year-old Reiner meeting a man he calls "dad." The familial resemblance is readily apparent, yet the man stares at his son in abject horror. Ignoring this reaction, Reiner presses forward, excited to be a Warrior—an honorary Marleyan. Excited to finally live together as a family with his Marleyan father.
That excitement lasts until the man screams in Reiner's face, lashing out in fear and anger. After calling his son an Eldian devil, the man flees, leaving a devastated Reiner pleading "wait" into empty air.
It's not a safe memory. But the only danger is to Reiner himself. Another sharpened blade pressed into Eren's hands; another vulnerability mapped out, as plain as the weak point on a Titan's nape; another way for Eren to ruin Reiner, should he choose.
Edited 2024-08-05 19:14 (UTC)
casually drops another entire novel, tw for eren's crazy murder revenge thoughts
Reiner seems to only hold secrets that hurt Reiner. Eren holds secrets that can devastate anyone he chooses. He knows too much about everyone, and if he had all the power he will have before/while he crushes everything in his path, he'll know more. That connection with Ymir allows him to see all Eldians. He dimly knows about this, the possibility and the horror of it. He won't ever use that power to control other people, to force them to do things. He will use it to keep memories from others — and from himself, through not quite two decades of life. If Eren doesn't know something, then no other Attack Titan holder can know it. No one could ever prevent the end of the world, since the one person who knew about it refused to know about it.
That, and controlling what one sees of the future is as impossible as controlling what one sees of the past, the way other shifters' memories seep in and change a person without their realising it. They're all influenced by those that came before them, even if they deny it.
Eren meets Reiner's gaze and a million questions go through his head. For a second, he wonders if Reiner will choose something that could hurt Eren. That would be a shitty thing to do, though, since this is a gift. Even Eren wouldn't do that as a gift. He would do it in another context. He has done it. But this is something different.
He wonders if it will be some happy memory. Does Reiner even have those? Surely he's been happy. Eren has seen him smile, after all. He smiles easily. Even now, he can manage it when Eren can't. Reiner doesn't bury his emotions, he just confuses his own memories, convinces himself something is true when it isn't.
Where do you think we are, Reiner?
But there must be something happy somewhere, something with Bertholdt or whatever. (Eren never once considers that part of Reiner's better memories are with him, with the Scouts, before everything went to shit and they learned the truth.)
He shoves away his questions and activates the crystal, still unsure of what he could possibly see in it.
Right away, he understands the cost of sharing this. Not the cost today, but the possible eventual cost. In Eren's hands, this memory is a weapon. Most things would be, but this thing that no one else even knows could be used to cut very deeply. He has no plans to do anything like that, but with Eren, that possibility will always be there.
He would never have guessed that Reiner really is Marleyan too. It's naive of him. Surely Marleyans have kids with Eldians. Reiner can't be the only one. Eren had just never thought about it. What a terrible thing to carry, to want to be like them because you should be, to be forever cast out because your mother was less than in their eyes.
It makes him angry, immediate and incandescent. He hopes this man died in the attack on Liberio. He can't even be sorry for that thought. He's not sorry for the death of someone who would call a child a devil and deny them that way. But more specifically, that child was Reiner. Eren will always viciously defend people he cares about, and whatever their complicated history or future, there is only one person in this entire city that Eren cares about more than Reiner. Of course his response is to answer hatred with hatred.
But it isn't anger on his face when the memory clears and he's looking only at Reiner now — not a child anymore, a young man on the verge of 19 (the age Eren will never live past in their own world).
"That's why," he says. "That's why you had to become a Warrior."
Eren never had to ask for his parents' love. Grisha wasn't always around, but he spent enough time trying in vain to make up for how he'd fucked up with Zeke. Eren's parents loved him and there's no question to be had. And Eren loved them too, especially his mother. He is entirely their child, his mother's soft face and his father's eye colour. Carla's words that everyone is special simply for being born and Grisha's failed revolution. The violence is generational, a product of trauma and hatred and pain stretching two thousand years back. But Eren is their son.
And Reiner...
Reiner longs for acceptance because of this. He's found only rejection, again and again. Even Eren has done that, rejected him once he (thought he) knew what Reiner was. He offers that same rejection in a basement in Liberio — acknowledgement that they are the same followed by a refusal to give Reiner what he's asking for.
Reiner, too, is the culmination of all of that violence. They just wield it differently. Reiner turns so much of it inwards, his shame and self-loathing inflicted on him by parents who would not and could not love him. Eren turns it outward, a way of getting back at a world that could never meet his expectations, a way of trying to save half a dozen people at the expense of everything else including his own humanity.
He finds Reiner's hand with his, fingers intertwined as they always are.
"You deserved better," he says. From Eren, this is no small thing. Eren doesn't say things like this unless he means them. There would be no point. "And I get why you keep it hidden."
After a second, he adds, "…Thank you. For showing me."
cw for marley's fictional racism and how that fucked reiner up etc
In the moments before Eren speaks, Reiner forces himself to stay still. To stay present. To avoid retreating into his mind, ready to encase himself in whatever role he needs: the Warrior, the soldier, the big brother, the bad guy. He remains where and who he is, heart bared for the knife pressed into Eren's hand.
By blood, Reiner is indeed half Marleyan, his resemblance to his father laid out in the color of his eyes and the strength of his build. But Reiner would never dare call himself such. He is an Honorary Marleyan—a title he paid for with his life's blood—and he is an Eldian. If it were anyone else, Reiner would call that unfair; but he is too much a product of his upbringing to see it that way.
This secret of his birth is shameful. Illegal. Dangerous. He has kept it secret since he was barely more than a toddler, not even telling Bertholdt (though Bertholdt may have guessed). And now, he hasn't just told Eren: he has shared one of the most painful memories he possesses.
But when the memory ends, Eren doesn't look at Reiner with revulsion. He just looks, as he always does. Seeing Reiner in a way no one else can. He doesn't ask if Reiner's father had anything to do with becoming a Warrior; he already knows.
Words begin to form on Reiner's tongue. He's about to start criticizing himself, calling it a stupid, childish dream. Stupid, like he could have known better at six years old.
Then Eren takes his hand and speaks again: You deserved better.
Something shifts deep inside of Reiner. Something profound that he can't quite name. A curtain pulled back; a puzzle piece slotted into place; a bleeding wound finally staunched. Those words are ones that Reiner craves, though on the (very) few occasions he has heard them, he's never believed them.
Yet here they are, spoken by Eren.
Eren, who knows all of Reiner's ugliness. Eren, who Reiner has wronged more deeply than any other.
For a moment, Reiner can't speak. His lips are parted, golden eyes wide, all armor stripped away. He squeezes their joined hands, Eren's fingers slotted perfectly between his own. Then he brings Eren's hand to his lips, eyes falling closed as he kisses its back—right by Eren's thumb, where teeth have pierced flesh so many times.
Tears are clinging to his eyelashes. When did that happen? Was it after Eren said he deserved better? After Eren said he understood the reason for Reiner's secrecy? Or what it after Eren thanked him, a quiet appreciation for what Reiner gave?
"I wanted you to know," Reiner repeats, his eyes opening to meet Eren's again, breath warm on Eren's skin.
A small portion of a greater truth: I want you to know all of me.
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dreamsofwings) wrote2021-07-13 03:17 am
no subject
As it is, such gifts didn't occur to Reiner. When he thinks of a special day, he thinks of food, companions, memories.
Unconsciously or not, that's the kind of special day Reiner has set out to make.
He turns the crystal between his fingers, a motion that isn't quite a nervous fidget. He knows what he's offering. He doesn't know what (if any) consequences there may be—but he knows he wants to give this to Eren.
"A Memory Crystal," he says. "It can share a memory with someone. One memory, one time."
Reiner meets Eren's gaze, any lingering awareness of the world falling away. Drawn in, as always, focusing solely on his Eren. "I can't share everything like you did." An experience Reiner asked for, even if it was farther-reaching than either of them expected. "But with this, I can share something."
not me writing 500 words of introspection and 2 of dialogue WHOOPS
Eren's eyes go a little wide. He isn't the expressive kid he once was; he can't ever quite go back to that. No one can really go backwards in time, after all. Eren can exist in many times at once. He can't ever quite stop being that kid, or the one that stood in the ocean for the first time, or the one holding Reiner's hand in Liberio, or the one clinging to Reiner in the dark bedroom that first time here in Ellipsa, or the one he has yet to be, the one that will crush the world, the one that manipulated Grisha into murdering the Reiss family.
But he can't harness that same energy now — neither that of his wide-eyed, naive childhood self, nor that distant coldblooded monster. He's…well, something else, isn't that it? Some new and undiscovered Eren that can only exist here.
He assumes that whatever Reiner chooses to share with him, it's a lot safer than what happened with the Paths. That wasn't on purpose, but he knew that the whole thing would be damaging. One of the ways in which they are not the same is that Reiner isn't damaging like that on purpose, not when he has a choice. Eren still makes choices to hurt people, sometimes deeply, sometimes people he loves the most.
No matter what Reiner wants to show him, he understands the offer. Only one thing, something Reiner considers precious enough to share — something Reiner is sharing with him. He's not self-centred enough to take that for granted.
"You're sure?" he asks, but he knows the answer.
gnaws on beautiful introspection
But is the memory itself "safe"? Not at all. Not in Liberio, where its exposure would end in death—or worse. Maybe not in this world, either.
There is a reason Reiner spent the day hesitating. A reason he struggles not to fidget, frightened of consequences that realistically can't reach him here. A reason that when Eren offers him a way out—"You're sure?"—a voice that sounds like Reiner's mother demands he take it.
Reiner holds Eren's gaze. Wide green eyes, impossibly vivid. Still bright, despite everything. Still moving forward. Still alive.
He wants them to stay alive. He needs it.
"I want you to know," Reiner answers, ignoring the echo of his mother's voice. Reaching out, he presses the crystal into Eren's hand, holding it there. "No one else does. Only me and … the other person who was there."
When Eren activates the crystal, he'll find a deceptively short memory. He'll see a ten or eleven-year-old Reiner meeting a man he calls "dad." The familial resemblance is readily apparent, yet the man stares at his son in abject horror. Ignoring this reaction, Reiner presses forward, excited to be a Warrior—an honorary Marleyan. Excited to finally live together as a family with his Marleyan father.
That excitement lasts until the man screams in Reiner's face, lashing out in fear and anger. After calling his son an Eldian devil, the man flees, leaving a devastated Reiner pleading "wait" into empty air.
It's not a safe memory. But the only danger is to Reiner himself. Another sharpened blade pressed into Eren's hands; another vulnerability mapped out, as plain as the weak point on a Titan's nape; another way for Eren to ruin Reiner, should he choose.
casually drops another entire novel, tw for eren's crazy murder revenge thoughts
That, and controlling what one sees of the future is as impossible as controlling what one sees of the past, the way other shifters' memories seep in and change a person without their realising it. They're all influenced by those that came before them, even if they deny it.
Eren meets Reiner's gaze and a million questions go through his head. For a second, he wonders if Reiner will choose something that could hurt Eren. That would be a shitty thing to do, though, since this is a gift. Even Eren wouldn't do that as a gift. He would do it in another context. He has done it. But this is something different.
He wonders if it will be some happy memory. Does Reiner even have those? Surely he's been happy. Eren has seen him smile, after all. He smiles easily. Even now, he can manage it when Eren can't. Reiner doesn't bury his emotions, he just confuses his own memories, convinces himself something is true when it isn't.
Where do you think we are, Reiner?
But there must be something happy somewhere, something with Bertholdt or whatever. (Eren never once considers that part of Reiner's better memories are with him, with the Scouts, before everything went to shit and they learned the truth.)
He shoves away his questions and activates the crystal, still unsure of what he could possibly see in it.
Right away, he understands the cost of sharing this. Not the cost today, but the possible eventual cost. In Eren's hands, this memory is a weapon. Most things would be, but this thing that no one else even knows could be used to cut very deeply. He has no plans to do anything like that, but with Eren, that possibility will always be there.
He would never have guessed that Reiner really is Marleyan too. It's naive of him. Surely Marleyans have kids with Eldians. Reiner can't be the only one. Eren had just never thought about it. What a terrible thing to carry, to want to be like them because you should be, to be forever cast out because your mother was less than in their eyes.
It makes him angry, immediate and incandescent. He hopes this man died in the attack on Liberio. He can't even be sorry for that thought. He's not sorry for the death of someone who would call a child a devil and deny them that way. But more specifically, that child was Reiner. Eren will always viciously defend people he cares about, and whatever their complicated history or future, there is only one person in this entire city that Eren cares about more than Reiner. Of course his response is to answer hatred with hatred.
But it isn't anger on his face when the memory clears and he's looking only at Reiner now — not a child anymore, a young man on the verge of 19 (the age Eren will never live past in their own world).
"That's why," he says. "That's why you had to become a Warrior."
Eren never had to ask for his parents' love. Grisha wasn't always around, but he spent enough time trying in vain to make up for how he'd fucked up with Zeke. Eren's parents loved him and there's no question to be had. And Eren loved them too, especially his mother. He is entirely their child, his mother's soft face and his father's eye colour. Carla's words that everyone is special simply for being born and Grisha's failed revolution. The violence is generational, a product of trauma and hatred and pain stretching two thousand years back. But Eren is their son.
And Reiner...
Reiner longs for acceptance because of this. He's found only rejection, again and again. Even Eren has done that, rejected him once he (thought he) knew what Reiner was. He offers that same rejection in a basement in Liberio — acknowledgement that they are the same followed by a refusal to give Reiner what he's asking for.
Reiner, too, is the culmination of all of that violence. They just wield it differently. Reiner turns so much of it inwards, his shame and self-loathing inflicted on him by parents who would not and could not love him. Eren turns it outward, a way of getting back at a world that could never meet his expectations, a way of trying to save half a dozen people at the expense of everything else including his own humanity.
He finds Reiner's hand with his, fingers intertwined as they always are.
"You deserved better," he says. From Eren, this is no small thing. Eren doesn't say things like this unless he means them. There would be no point. "And I get why you keep it hidden."
After a second, he adds, "…Thank you. For showing me."
cw for marley's fictional racism and how that fucked reiner up etc
By blood, Reiner is indeed half Marleyan, his resemblance to his father laid out in the color of his eyes and the strength of his build. But Reiner would never dare call himself such. He is an Honorary Marleyan—a title he paid for with his life's blood—and he is an Eldian. If it were anyone else, Reiner would call that unfair; but he is too much a product of his upbringing to see it that way.
This secret of his birth is shameful. Illegal. Dangerous. He has kept it secret since he was barely more than a toddler, not even telling Bertholdt (though Bertholdt may have guessed). And now, he hasn't just told Eren: he has shared one of the most painful memories he possesses.
But when the memory ends, Eren doesn't look at Reiner with revulsion. He just looks, as he always does. Seeing Reiner in a way no one else can. He doesn't ask if Reiner's father had anything to do with becoming a Warrior; he already knows.
Words begin to form on Reiner's tongue. He's about to start criticizing himself, calling it a stupid, childish dream. Stupid, like he could have known better at six years old.
Then Eren takes his hand and speaks again: You deserved better.
Something shifts deep inside of Reiner. Something profound that he can't quite name. A curtain pulled back; a puzzle piece slotted into place; a bleeding wound finally staunched. Those words are ones that Reiner craves, though on the (very) few occasions he has heard them, he's never believed them.
Yet here they are, spoken by Eren.
Eren, who knows all of Reiner's ugliness. Eren, who Reiner has wronged more deeply than any other.
For a moment, Reiner can't speak. His lips are parted, golden eyes wide, all armor stripped away. He squeezes their joined hands, Eren's fingers slotted perfectly between his own. Then he brings Eren's hand to his lips, eyes falling closed as he kisses its back—right by Eren's thumb, where teeth have pierced flesh so many times.
Tears are clinging to his eyelashes. When did that happen? Was it after Eren said he deserved better? After Eren said he understood the reason for Reiner's secrecy? Or what it after Eren thanked him, a quiet appreciation for what Reiner gave?
"I wanted you to know," Reiner repeats, his eyes opening to meet Eren's again, breath warm on Eren's skin.
A small portion of a greater truth: I want you to know all of me.