Unstable, unsteady, broken pieces grinding like gravel, the awful desire for intimacy slowly slicing his insides. Reiner tries to ignore it. He's good at ignoring things. Good at pretending things are okay until he comes to terms with them or forgets his ills altogether. Good at carrying on, pressing forward no matter the circumstances. He can deal with wanting Eren, right? It's not so different from before, is it?
It is different. Eren moaning, gasping, touching him, kissing him, saying his name while coming—of course it's different. Reiner knows what Eren tastes like now. Knows the heat of his skin, the heat inside. That alone would be enough to change things. But that's not what hits hardest. That's not what hurts.
Eren removes his shirt, using it to clean himself. Reiner stares blankly at Eren's chest, all the bare skin he didn't have a chance to touch or taste. Will he get a chance later? They must get another chance, right?
Then Eren holds out his shirt like a bizarre peace offering. Reiner blinks at it, then wordlessly accepts it. Cleans himself off with those same mechanical motions. Fastens his trousers. Hands the shirt back. Raises his head.
That last act is a mistake.
His eyes meet Eren's, gold holding green. Reiner's throat tightens. He wants to lean in and kiss Eren again, starting this encounter anew. He wants to say thank you for the shirt. He wants to ask why and doesn't even know what he'd be asking about. He wants so much, and he can't have any of it.
In the end, Reiner gives Eren a nod, acknowledging all the things he can't say. Then he takes another step back, turns, and starts to leave, picking his way past the refuse.
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It is different. Eren moaning, gasping, touching him, kissing him, saying his name while coming—of course it's different. Reiner knows what Eren tastes like now. Knows the heat of his skin, the heat inside. That alone would be enough to change things. But that's not what hits hardest. That's not what hurts.
Eren removes his shirt, using it to clean himself. Reiner stares blankly at Eren's chest, all the bare skin he didn't have a chance to touch or taste. Will he get a chance later? They must get another chance, right?
Then Eren holds out his shirt like a bizarre peace offering. Reiner blinks at it, then wordlessly accepts it. Cleans himself off with those same mechanical motions. Fastens his trousers. Hands the shirt back. Raises his head.
That last act is a mistake.
His eyes meet Eren's, gold holding green. Reiner's throat tightens. He wants to lean in and kiss Eren again, starting this encounter anew. He wants to say thank you for the shirt. He wants to ask why and doesn't even know what he'd be asking about. He wants so much, and he can't have any of it.
In the end, Reiner gives Eren a nod, acknowledging all the things he can't say. Then he takes another step back, turns, and starts to leave, picking his way past the refuse.