Even though technically these Ellipsa memories never existed, isn't this still the Attack Titan's future? A future that will never come, maybe, but there are others that seem like that sometimes, branching timelines that he can never explain. Everything ends. Everything ends the same way.
But he can see those memories, too. Freezing from the inside out, trying to be subtle in the apartment kitchen and completely failing. The nightmares. The second time on the airship. The first. Watching Reiner play video games in the mall. A realisation that he should tell Reiner he loves him before it is too late. Reiner beating him to it. Smile lines in a photograph that shouldn't exist.
Eren has always held — will always hold — a weapon that can wound more deeply than any other. Reiner has given him that time and time again, knowing better, perhaps not always knowing what Eren would choose to do with it. But this final, terrible knowledge, he would have kept secret forever. Maybe it would have been better if he hadn't, just so no one else blindsided Reiner with it. But Eren really hoped they wouldn't ever have to do this.
Who can hold the weight of the end of the world?
Who can hold the weight of loving the one that ended it?
Who can ever hold death, even when they're used to causing it?
"I know," he says. He presses his face into Reiner's shirt and breathes him in, a scent as familiar to him as his own, something dark and crisp like autumn leaves, the ozone tang of titans, some other unnameable thing that is just Reiner. He never wants to give this up.
"I'll do anything," he says, again, like he always does. "I will do anything to let us stay here."
Eren's wrath, his anguish, his love, is almost infinite. His capacity to care about a few people could bring the whole world crashing down. His capacity to hate could do the same.
"I knew what it meant when we said we would get older," he says.
Once, a million years ago when Reiner first arrived here, when Reiner asked him what happened, he said I turned twenty like it should mean something. It had, but only in Eren's oblique way of saying things. He shouldn't have made it that far and always knew that. Now he counts down the days to the end of his titan clock and hopes that Ellipsa really will spare him, as it has just by bringing him here.
"You said always, like it's something people like us get to have," he says. "I thought…I never wanted anything more."
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But he can see those memories, too. Freezing from the inside out, trying to be subtle in the apartment kitchen and completely failing. The nightmares. The second time on the airship. The first. Watching Reiner play video games in the mall. A realisation that he should tell Reiner he loves him before it is too late. Reiner beating him to it. Smile lines in a photograph that shouldn't exist.
Eren has always held — will always hold — a weapon that can wound more deeply than any other. Reiner has given him that time and time again, knowing better, perhaps not always knowing what Eren would choose to do with it. But this final, terrible knowledge, he would have kept secret forever. Maybe it would have been better if he hadn't, just so no one else blindsided Reiner with it. But Eren really hoped they wouldn't ever have to do this.
Who can hold the weight of the end of the world?
Who can hold the weight of loving the one that ended it?
Who can ever hold death, even when they're used to causing it?
"I know," he says. He presses his face into Reiner's shirt and breathes him in, a scent as familiar to him as his own, something dark and crisp like autumn leaves, the ozone tang of titans, some other unnameable thing that is just Reiner. He never wants to give this up.
"I'll do anything," he says, again, like he always does. "I will do anything to let us stay here."
Eren's wrath, his anguish, his love, is almost infinite. His capacity to care about a few people could bring the whole world crashing down. His capacity to hate could do the same.
"I knew what it meant when we said we would get older," he says.
Once, a million years ago when Reiner first arrived here, when Reiner asked him what happened, he said I turned twenty like it should mean something. It had, but only in Eren's oblique way of saying things. He shouldn't have made it that far and always knew that. Now he counts down the days to the end of his titan clock and hopes that Ellipsa really will spare him, as it has just by bringing him here.
"You said always, like it's something people like us get to have," he says. "I thought…I never wanted anything more."