The way that Eren experiences time is something that Reiner can never understand. Not truly. He saw glimpses of it in the Paths, saw the disjointed series of events that passed for linear time. Everything, all at once. That Eren can hold himself in the present at all is a testament to Eren's unbelievably stubborn will, his strength of mind, his determination to keep moving forward.
Right now, Reiner gets the barest taste of that reality. He holds Eren tight against him, and he remembers every time he has done so before. The chaste moments when they were Cadets. The violent moments when they were enemies. The passionate moments when they became lovers. He remembers every night they have lain side-by-side, wrapped around each other like two halves of a whole, their jagged edges aligning. He remembers it all.
And he remembers all the times Eren has gazed into space with a haunted look in his eyes, seeing a world beyond this one. He remembers every time those eyes have turned to him instead, and something within them has settled. A modicum of peace. Of happiness.
He remembers every time Eren has looked at him with love.
Eren says the words that Reiner once thought he would never hear. And Reiner understands. Of course he understands. How could he not? They're the same, after all. If their positions were reversed, Reiner would do all he could to keep Eren from learning the truth. Would do everything in his power to protect Eren from the knowledge that their time was limited.
But he never expected Eren to do the same. Never expected Eren to guard him from something like this.
Reiner clings tighter, a shuddering sob wracking his body, his mind straining to hang on. What keeps him here is Eren pressed against him, one hand still holding Eren's, their fingers still entwined. What keeps him here is the fact that they are here, not there.
But fuck, what will happen if they wind up there again…?
Reiner has considered it before. He imagined he would retain his memories somehow. Imagined that he and Eren would reestablish what they've built here, love somehow finding a way. Romantic, foolish notions, but a comfort to Reiner when anxieties would creep in.
Now, he knows better. Now he knows that there will never be a them in their world. There will only be Reiner. Reiner, alone, with all the men he's ever loved dead and gone.
"No," he finds himself muttering, unsure when he started. "No, no, no, no, no."
Rejecting it. Unable to reject it. Unable to do anything but cling.
Eren dies.
Eren cannot die.
"We have to stay here," he gets out, his voice choked with tears. "You can't go back. We have to stay here."
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Right now, Reiner gets the barest taste of that reality. He holds Eren tight against him, and he remembers every time he has done so before. The chaste moments when they were Cadets. The violent moments when they were enemies. The passionate moments when they became lovers. He remembers every night they have lain side-by-side, wrapped around each other like two halves of a whole, their jagged edges aligning. He remembers it all.
And he remembers all the times Eren has gazed into space with a haunted look in his eyes, seeing a world beyond this one. He remembers every time those eyes have turned to him instead, and something within them has settled. A modicum of peace. Of happiness.
He remembers every time Eren has looked at him with love.
Eren says the words that Reiner once thought he would never hear. And Reiner understands. Of course he understands. How could he not? They're the same, after all. If their positions were reversed, Reiner would do all he could to keep Eren from learning the truth. Would do everything in his power to protect Eren from the knowledge that their time was limited.
But he never expected Eren to do the same. Never expected Eren to guard him from something like this.
Reiner clings tighter, a shuddering sob wracking his body, his mind straining to hang on. What keeps him here is Eren pressed against him, one hand still holding Eren's, their fingers still entwined. What keeps him here is the fact that they are here, not there.
But fuck, what will happen if they wind up there again…?
Reiner has considered it before. He imagined he would retain his memories somehow. Imagined that he and Eren would reestablish what they've built here, love somehow finding a way. Romantic, foolish notions, but a comfort to Reiner when anxieties would creep in.
Now, he knows better. Now he knows that there will never be a them in their world. There will only be Reiner. Reiner, alone, with all the men he's ever loved dead and gone.
"No," he finds himself muttering, unsure when he started. "No, no, no, no, no."
Rejecting it. Unable to reject it. Unable to do anything but cling.
Eren dies.
Eren cannot die.
"We have to stay here," he gets out, his voice choked with tears. "You can't go back. We have to stay here."
We.